Future Homeowner Humorist Gifts

'I've been trying to buy a condo in Vancouver! They say that real estate prices are going through the roof! At least that's how my agent explained the hole in the ceiling.'

"Liable to flooding? Whatever gives you that idea sir?"

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

'You shouldn't have taken that personal pension.' 'You shouldn't have taken that endowment mortgage.' 'When do you get your free tv license?' Job's comforters, today.

'...and remember, son, never throw up on an old carpet...wait until they get a new one!'

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

Yard Sale

'Seriously!? ... Well it's apparent I didn't marry a handyman.'

"Are you looking for metric or imperial sized neck bolts?"

"Since you had so much fun with the Home Equity Loan I gave you, this year's stocking will be filled with a shiny new Notice of Foreclosure."

'I'm not going to remind you again, Harold. Now, go get the garbage and bring it in here.'

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

Pest Control

"Actually, 'Loss of Limb' would be covered under your homeowners policy."

'Is the fire included?'

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

'On today's market a property like this could fetch 175k... but with themed rooms, stone cladding, avocado bathroom suite and garden gnomes, you're talking closer to 95..!'

It's from the homeowners association --- They want me to stop leaving my worries on the doorstep.

'I don't want to be a nuisance, you can shoot me if it's more convenient.'

Desperate Househusbands: 'Help! My wife left me with the kids for two minutes while she ran to the store. Help!'

'Beware you don't trip over him!'

Jet flies by. 'And of course it's handy for the airport.'

'It isn't supposed to taste good. It's furniture polish.'

How to Build a Bungalow

"Our cat is the only god this home needs."

'Classic literature for D.I.Y. haters'

'She let the bedbugs bite.'

'I put lint tape all over his onesie so that, as he crawls around, he picks up the dog hair.'

Carpet Cows

It' complications galore for Sparky when easy-to-assemble instructions are read upside down.

'It seems good, and he said the bit at the bottom is the name of the architect.'

See the house whose property taxes were raised

'The fire seems to be drawing well.'

'If straw and sticks don't appeal, I do have something in brick that might interest you.'