Homebuyer Humorist Gifts

'It seems good, and he said the bit at the bottom is the name of the architect.'

See the house whose property taxes were raised

"I know the schools are great, but is this really the house we want to ride out the apocalypse in?"

'Is the fire included?'

'Are you sure now is the best time to buy an inflatable house?'

'I'm positive that 'Open House' sign pointed to next door.'

A Wholly Owned Subsidiary of Uncle Sam.

'And if you look to your left between the condos and the ABD store, you can see the ocean.'

"Liable to flooding? Whatever gives you that idea sir?"

'You shouldn't have taken that personal pension.' 'You shouldn't have taken that endowment mortgage.' 'When do you get your free tv license?' Job's comforters, today.

'. . .actually I'm not a real Guru, I was forced up here originally by the property prices.'

Pest Control

"Since you had so much fun with the Home Equity Loan I gave you, this year's stocking will be filled with a shiny new Notice of Foreclosure."

"Actually, 'Loss of Limb' would be covered under your homeowners policy."

An exaggeration of estate agents

'We do have a property in your price range, but we need a time machine to go back and visit it!'

'The only means of access was via the previous tenant's hair. But not to worry, there's a ladder 'round the back.'

"I've downsized."

"The bank rejected my application for a 2nd mortgage. They said they didn't have 1 in my size."

'If straw and sticks don't appeal, I do have something in brick that might interest you.'

"The only thing we seem to have in your price range is a bird box in Billericay."

"Apparently he told Chris Tarrant it was just enough to pay off his mortgage!"

"It sucks being reincarnated as a snail, but at least I've finally achieved home ownership."

'And this is the sunken living room.'

'Inflation allows you to live in a more expensive neighbourhood without even moving.'

'And every spring, a koi pond shows up in a corner of the basement.'

Catchment Area for Teachers

'Due to a slight technical mistake, I sold your house to me for £2.50.'

"We had something in your price range. . . but it was condemned!"

"It's a modest studio flat with own garden, 30 minutes from central London."

"Looks like housing starts are up."

Shoe for Rent

'Fancy living here with the in-laws until we find a place of our own?'

Snail Estate Agents

'We made the last payment and we were burning the mortgage to celebrate.'