Home Ownership Humorist Gifts

'Well, it's official. If we miss one more payment the bank is going to come and fill in our hole.'

"Liable to flooding? Whatever gives you that idea sir?"

'You shouldn't have taken that personal pension.' 'You shouldn't have taken that endowment mortgage.' 'When do you get your free tv license?' Job's comforters, today.

'...and remember, son, never throw up on an old carpet...wait until they get a new one!'

Tidy it up for the open house, and it wouldn't hurt to put out some freshly regurgitated worms. For sale.

'. . .actually I'm not a real Guru, I was forced up here originally by the property prices.'

"Since you had so much fun with the Home Equity Loan I gave you, this year's stocking will be filled with a shiny new Notice of Foreclosure."

Pest Control

"Actually, 'Loss of Limb' would be covered under your homeowners policy."

'Is the fire included?'

A cock up of builders

"Yes, Madame, Teletubbies."

Jet flies by. 'And of course it's handy for the airport.'

An exaggeration of estate agents

'Someday, Son, all this will be your ex-wife's.'

'Now from this room you can get a great view of the whales going by!'

'We do have a property in your price range, but we need a time machine to go back and visit it!'

'Now, it does require some modernisation. . . .'

'The only means of access was via the previous tenant's hair. But not to worry, there's a ladder 'round the back.'

"I've downsized."

"Efficiency tombs available"

"The high price is due to the great view of the beach."

'It seems good, and he said the bit at the bottom is the name of the architect.'

See the house whose property taxes were raised

"The bank rejected my application for a 2nd mortgage. They said they didn't have 1 in my size."

'If straw and sticks don't appeal, I do have something in brick that might interest you.'

"The only thing we seem to have in your price range is a bird box in Billericay."

"Come climate change, you could find yourself sitting beach-front on the French riviera."

"Every once in a while this house comes with a pool."

"Apparently he told Chris Tarrant it was just enough to pay off his mortgage!"

'It mostly scares the realtors.'

"As president of the tenants' association, I have to inform you that our list of grievances has been eaten."

"We figured why not make some money while we migrate south."

"For sale £470,000 house included"

"Yes, it's nice, but it's lost twenty per-cent of its value in the past year."