Home Protectors Gifts

I tried insuring my house over the phone but they insisted on seeing it. It was on fire at the time...

"The Johnsons finally get around to child-proofing their home."

"I was gonna get slip covers for the furniture but then I thought, What the heck, I'll just do the whole house"

Mouse hunt.

"All in favor of destroying the throw pillow, raise your paw."

'We had him trained to stay off the furniture, right up until we gave up.'

"Honey! He's breached the recliner! I repeat, the puppy has breached my La-Z-Boy!!"

An Introvert's Guide to Surviving a Party

"I like to think of myself as a vital link in the homeland-security system."

'You can't beat the old style security systems!'

Security Dept. Keep. Out.

"Do you promise to love, honor and not share each other's personal data on social media?"

'Hello, security.'

'Oh, yes, you will get off!'

'Do you have anything that gets rid of unwanted salesmen?'

"You'd like a second opinion? Okay, I think you should stay off the furniture too."

No toxic waste in my backyard!

'Remember the good old days when he wasn't allowed on the furniture?'

'Use it as an end table or, if you want, fold it out to be a fully functional anti-aircraft gun.'

'Check you house for termites, Lady?'

'Triple your money back! 100% effective against pesticide resistant insects! Guaranteed!

"My pappy built this shell with his bare claws. I'll be damned if some freeloader moves in."

The Daily Planet: The Newspaper that listen to you.

"They're only dummy home security signs, but I've sharped the edges so they'll cut you like a razor."

"Oh, for heaven's sake. Use the spray!"

While you were out

'You''ll just have to accept the fact that they're more concerned with their furniture than with you.'

"I did a quick search for my lost requirements documents and I found them right away, but how do I get rid of the ads now?"

"Good defenses make good neighbors."

Couch on stilts so cats can't scratch it

'I don't care how smart he is, he's not allowed on the furniture!'

"We have so many security cameras, the doormat says 'Say cheese' instead of welcome."

'Look out!! My wife is going to hit your with my new 2-iron!'

These feeding frenzies aren't what they used to be.

"...P.S. Stay off the furniture!"