House Protector Gifts

'You should have called me sooner.'

Late Stage Capitalism and the Biosphere Engage in Some Meaningful Dialogue...

"Now they're referring to us as ecology nuts."

"All in favor of destroying the throw pillow, raise your paw."

'I just finished the floors, so they better stay clean!'

'We had him trained to stay off the furniture, right up until we gave up.'

"Sorry kid, I work alone."

'...and now, Doctor, if you have satisfactorily disinfected your hands,...

'Anti-Graffito' worker about to erase hieroglyphics.

"Honey! He's breached the recliner! I repeat, the puppy has breached my La-Z-Boy!!"

"I like to think of myself as a vital link in the homeland-security system."

'Hello, security.'

'Daddy says, 'Better drowned than duffers if not duffers won't drown'. Well, let's just hope social services don't hear about this.'

'You can't beat the old style security systems!'

Compassionate 'Conservation-ism'

"The Johnsons finally get around to child-proofing their home."

Notre Dame Fire

"Ralphie, no! Not on my Kindle!"

'Be careful, I hear he kills cats.'

'Before you buy the gun can I ask if you thought about taking your cat to the vets first?'

'Oh, yes, you will get off!'

'Do you have anything that gets rid of unwanted salesmen?'

I tried insuring my house over the phone but they insisted on seeing it. It was on fire at the time...

"You'd like a second opinion? Okay, I think you should stay off the furniture too."

"My client is being more than fair. She is willing to let you keep all the shoes and the house."

No toxic waste in my backyard!

'Jeckers, when I was a student we commonly at poultry...

'Remember the good old days when he wasn't allowed on the furniture?'

"Oh, for heaven's sake. Use the spray!"

'Use it as an end table or, if you want, fold it out to be a fully functional anti-aircraft gun.'

"My pappy built this shell with his bare claws. I'll be damned if some freeloader moves in."

While you were out

'You''ll just have to accept the fact that they're more concerned with their furniture than with you.'

'Triple your money back! 100% effective against pesticide resistant insects! Guaranteed!

"We're not getting a dog because I don't invest in non-profit ventures."