Household Protector Gifts

"There's no point us both barking."

Late Stage Capitalism and the Biosphere Engage in Some Meaningful Dialogue...

"Now they're referring to us as ecology nuts."

'I can't control my anger when people get too close to my kids...'

"Careful. That house has a taser."

"Not tonight, Jon. I have to clean for the cleaning lady."

"Beware of God"

'Anti-Graffito' worker about to erase hieroglyphics.

"Here's your sweater back."

"I like to think of myself as a vital link in the homeland-security system."

"You got custody of us, mommy, because you're the very best attorney picker."

"We can't wake her, she's sleepwalking."

'It's a new record, mom - there are six of us in here!'

Whack-A-Chore: "You play it all day, every day, until you can't anymore."

'Daddy says, 'Better drowned than duffers if not duffers won't drown'. Well, let's just hope social services don't hear about this.'

'Hello, security.'

'You can't beat the old style security systems!'

Compassionate 'Conservation-ism'

"The Johnsons finally get around to child-proofing their home."

'Aunt Joan and Uncle Wally took Luci to the emergency room.'

'Goodnight honey... did you remember to unplug the baby?'

Notre Dame Fire

'Do you have anything that gets rid of unwanted salesmen?'

I tried insuring my house over the phone but they insisted on seeing it. It was on fire at the time...

Please examine your children's tv before they watch it as mistakes can not afterwards be rectified

The Eternal Battle Over Who Is More Tired

'Triple your money back! 100% effective against pesticide resistant insects! Guaranteed!

"They're only dummy home security signs, but I've sharped the edges so they'll cut you like a razor."

A man opens his curtains to wake up his cats.

'Use it as an end table or, if you want, fold it out to be a fully functional anti-aircraft gun.'

While you were out

"My pappy built this shell with his bare claws. I'll be damned if some freeloader moves in."

'Check you house for termites, Lady?'

"Oh, for heaven's sake. Use the spray!"