Household Protector T-Shirts

"There's no point us both barking."

Late Stage Capitalism and the Biosphere Engage in Some Meaningful Dialogue...

"Now they're referring to us as ecology nuts."

'I can't control my anger when people get too close to my kids...'

"Careful. That house has a taser."

"Beware of God"

"Not tonight, Jon. I have to clean for the cleaning lady."

"Here's your sweater back."

'Anti-Graffito' worker about to erase hieroglyphics.

"I like to think of myself as a vital link in the homeland-security system."

"We can't wake her, she's sleepwalking."

Whack-A-Chore: "You play it all day, every day, until you can't anymore."

"You got custody of us, mommy, because you're the very best attorney picker."

'It's a new record, mom - there are six of us in here!'

'Daddy says, 'Better drowned than duffers if not duffers won't drown'. Well, let's just hope social services don't hear about this.'

'Hello, security.'

Compassionate 'Conservation-ism'

'You can't beat the old style security systems!'

'Goodnight honey... did you remember to unplug the baby?'

"The Johnsons finally get around to child-proofing their home."

'Aunt Joan and Uncle Wally took Luci to the emergency room.'

Notre Dame Fire

'Do you have anything that gets rid of unwanted salesmen?'

Please examine your children's tv before they watch it as mistakes can not afterwards be rectified

"My client is being more than fair. She is willing to let you keep all the shoes and the house."

I tried insuring my house over the phone but they insisted on seeing it. It was on fire at the time...

The Eternal Battle Over Who Is More Tired

Be sure to tell us if the school tries cyberspying again. Ok, mom. It's wrong to snap webcam pics of students. Uh-huh. They shouldn't use computers that way! Besides, it's a waste of time. They could just check the kid's facebook page, What were they thinking?

'Use it as an end table or, if you want, fold it out to be a fully functional anti-aircraft gun.'

"My pappy built this shell with his bare claws. I'll be damned if some freeloader moves in."

"Oh, for heaven's sake. Use the spray!"

While you were out

A man opens his curtains to wake up his cats.

'Triple your money back! 100% effective against pesticide resistant insects! Guaranteed!

'Check you house for termites, Lady?'