Protective Homeowner T-Shirts

"My pappy built this shell with his bare claws. I'll be damned if some freeloader moves in."

"Beware of God"

'The Hunt family have solved the problem of the fire ants.'

"I like to think of myself as a vital link in the homeland-security system."

'Hello, security.'

'You can't beat the old style security systems!'

"The Johnsons finally get around to child-proofing their home."

'Do you have anything that gets rid of unwanted salesmen?'

Cordless Drill and Drill Less Cords.

"My client is being more than fair. She is willing to let you keep all the shoes and the house."

I tried insuring my house over the phone but they insisted on seeing it. It was on fire at the time...

"I'm going to put some shelves up, certain scenes may contain strong language."

While you were out

'Triple your money back! 100% effective against pesticide resistant insects! Guaranteed!

'Check you house for termites, Lady?'

"You live very near the edge, don't you"

"They're only dummy home security signs, but I've sharped the edges so they'll cut you like a razor."

"We have a termite problem."

'Use it as an end table or, if you want, fold it out to be a fully functional anti-aircraft gun.'

"Oh, for heaven's sake. Use the spray!"

'Sorry, my dog says no landlords allowed!'

"Good defenses make good neighbors."

'It's the plumber ... '

'I guess I should have paid the foundation bill.'

Suspicious Person Ban.

'Look out!! My wife is going to hit your with my new 2-iron!'

"We have so many security cameras, the doormat says 'Say cheese' instead of welcome."

"Freeze, or I'll mop the floor with you!"

"Whoa now, hold on hold on! I just wanted to read that sign there. I couldn't see it from the road."

' ...so we decided to put in our own flood protection scheme.'

Selling Home Security Systems.

"You should've called me sooner!"

"Beware of owner."

Pay Now . . . or Pay Later.

You shouldn't be embarrassed