Protective Homeowner T-Shirts

"My pappy built this shell with his bare claws. I'll be damned if some freeloader moves in."

"Beware of God"

'The Hunt family have solved the problem of the fire ants.'

"I like to think of myself as a vital link in the homeland-security system."

'Hello, security.'

'You can't beat the old style security systems!'

"The Johnsons finally get around to child-proofing their home."

'Do you have anything that gets rid of unwanted salesmen?'

"I'm going to put some shelves up, certain scenes may contain strong language."

Cordless Drill and Drill Less Cords.

I tried insuring my house over the phone but they insisted on seeing it. It was on fire at the time...

"You live very near the edge, don't you"

'Triple your money back! 100% effective against pesticide resistant insects! Guaranteed!

'Use it as an end table or, if you want, fold it out to be a fully functional anti-aircraft gun.'

"Oh, for heaven's sake. Use the spray!"

While you were out

"They're only dummy home security signs, but I've sharped the edges so they'll cut you like a razor."

'Check you house for termites, Lady?'

"We have a termite problem."

'Sorry, my dog says no landlords allowed!'

"Good defenses make good neighbors."

'I guess I should have paid the foundation bill.'

'It's the plumber ... '

Suspicious Person Ban.

"Freeze, or I'll mop the floor with you!"

"We have so many security cameras, the doormat says 'Say cheese' instead of welcome."

"Whoa now, hold on hold on! I just wanted to read that sign there. I couldn't see it from the road."

'Look out!! My wife is going to hit your with my new 2-iron!'

' ...so we decided to put in our own flood protection scheme.'

Selling Home Security Systems.

"You should've called me sooner!"

Pay Now . . . or Pay Later.

"Beware of owner."

Man installing a burglar alarm,

"There's no point us both barking."