Humorist In Love Gifts

"Helen, is it possible that we are using our child as an intimacy barrier?"

Tom had been told always to wear a condom.

"I was thinking more of a leap-year wedding."

"Yo, Ned Beatty, paddle harder if you ever want to kiss me again."

Dating Rule #1. Repeat after me: I need some space. I need some space. Got it. Good. Make sure you tell that to Laurel all the time. But

'You'll marry me? Really? Then forget it! I can't be with someone who's standards are that low!'

'Will you marry me, Gloria?'

'I'm gonna go slip into something less comfortable.'

Computer dating: 'You look kind of cute.'

'Wait a minute -- Shouldn't you be saying something about 'If not completely satisfied'?'

'That's not true, I do listen. I'm just not very interested.'

My funny Valentine

"So it's come to this, Doreen."

"I'd give you a piece of my mind if it weren't already operating on emergency reserves!"

"She just takes things too seriously in our relationship."

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

"...and someone with no fleas. Anything else?"

Clown on bike.

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

'Eat less. Drink less. Be merry more.'

"Relax. At your age, it's common to have a nose hare now and then."

"I'm just a girl, standing in front of a buoy..."

"It started rather well, but then, you sang two wrong notes, so that's a fail in my book. Try again at the next mating season..."

"He was the one everyone called 'The Greatest.' Then one day, a stranger turned up in town."

'What was that?!' 'A 'Mach'-ing bird.'

This next song goes out to the girl who stole my heart and my guitar.

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

'That was close...hit me right in the wallet.'

"The recipe said to let the chicken rest after it comes out of the oven!"

"It's over, Martin. I've met someone with bigger cheeks."

Frank & Ernie's Diner. Today: Yogurt Surprise. We call it "yogurt surprise" because we couldn't read the expiration date on the carton.

You got what you deserve … you deserve each other.

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

'I'm going to have an out-of-body experience -- can I bring you anything?'