Dating Humorist Gifts

"I say, thank goodness for Vets and IVF: No more sleezy singles' bars, no more dating!"

"He's handsome. I wonder how he tastes?"

'I have nothing against you being helium. It's your voice, Steven. Your squeaky, high voice!'

"Get away from me, you creep!".

'You've been matched with a pub in Wigan' (to a man at a dating agency).

'Like I said in the ad - GSOH.'

'Herb wasn't the only fish in the sea, but so far all I've met are sharks and octopus.'

The professor learns that human females do not respond to tree frog mating calls.

'Can I buy you a drink?', 'Thanks, but I'd rather just have the money.'

'Let's go to your place. I cook, I clean and then we can have a meaningful shag.'

Sure he's a zombie, but hey, it's nice to finally meet someone who is more interested in my brains than my body.

'Sorry, I don't date men with necks bigger than my waistline.'

'Sorry, Justin, but I don't fist bump on the first date.'

'Your days of dating immature men are over! My mommy says I'm all grown up now.'

"Okay. So, apart from being a very shy ventriloquist, is there anything else you can tell me about him?"

"So, are you the boring, rich one who buys her presents. Or the poor one, who's great in bed?"

'There's not enough chemistry. I'm not hot and bothered. I'm hot, but I can't be bothered.'

"You're gullible, I like that in a bird."

"Jing, I have girl friends...not girlfriends. Getting rid of that small little space isn't easy."

"...and someone with no fleas. Anything else?"

"Smile! It's for the women I've dated scrapbook!"

"He's such a gentleman, he didn't use a 'mating call' to attract me: he's developed a 'please join me on a date' call..."

Blind Date...

"Gosh, she's sexy!"

"That's not quite what I meant when I said I liked kids."

"I had a date last night."

"We're not a couple. He's just my ride."

"I brought Tom home to my parents and left him there."

"Can Hilary come out to abstain from having sex?"

"He's a rescue boyfriend."

"I'd love to go out with you. Do I have to have time to change."

"So let's talk about my self-importance, I'll start."

"No, actually you're very different from the women I usually date."

'There are two things I like about her - both elder brothers.'

'I'm really pleased to meet you, Raymond... Where have you been all of my life, and when are you going back there?'