Dating Scene Humorist Gifts

He's Tasty!

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

"...and someone with no fleas. Anything else?"

"It started rather well, but then, you sang two wrong notes, so that's a fail in my book. Try again at the next mating season..."

'Let's go to your place. I cook, I clean and then we can have a meaningful shag.'

"I'd love to go out with you. Do I have to have time to change."

"We were having a great conversation and then someone clapped."

"And make sure you get my daughter home before sunrise..!"

"Now that we've fallen in love, I have a confession. I'm not a giraffe—I'm fifty-eight weasels in a trenchcoat."

'Take this stick-drive and open the file 'John's Emotional Baggage'. It'll save a lot of time.'

"I do want to talk about your feelings but first let's talk about cheese."

'May I recommend a dry white with the seafood dish.'

"Do you have anything that would make him seem like a self satisfied pig?"

"You need a mint."

"We're not a couple. He's just my ride."

It sounds like you have a lot of baggage. Yes, but it's all Louis Vuitton! Menu.

'I met my wife on Faeces Book.'

First Date

"He's such a gentleman, he didn't use a 'mating call' to attract me: he's developed a 'please join me on a date' call..."

Sure he's a zombie, but hey, it's nice to finally meet someone who is more interested in my brains than my body.

"Ooh, this one sounds interesting, 'Single, vegetarian, bulbous, with moves like a lava lamp'."

"Okay. So, apart from being a very shy ventriloquist, is there anything else you can tell me about him?"

'I seem to be very conservative but secretly, I'm a rebel - I don't wear pants.'

"Smile! It's for the women I've dated scrapbook!"

"I'm sure my parents will love you, but for the time being, let's not mention that you're genetically modified."

Chameleon in a bar.

'If the opposite sex insisted on devouring YOUR head and laying thousands of eggs in YOUR carcass, then perhaps celibacy wouldn't seem like such an unreasonable lifestyle option!'

"Siri, find me someone better."

Dear Diary....I'll never, ever, go on a blind date again!

'I don't usually find worms attractive,but as soon as I saw him I was hooked!'

"I brought Tom home to my parents and left him there."

"Can Hilary come out to abstain from having sex?"

Another last "first date" for Daphne "...and here's kitty peeking out of a shoe box. Oh! And here he is playing with a dead birdie! Oh how cute! Here's Kitty looking around a corner! And..."

'Like I said in the ad - GSOH.'

Do you suspect me of ulterior motives? Let's put it this way: You're not a suspect; you're a person of disinterest.