Dating Scene Humorist Gifts

He's Tasty!

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

"...and someone with no fleas. Anything else?"

"It started rather well, but then, you sang two wrong notes, so that's a fail in my book. Try again at the next mating season..."

'Let's go to your place. I cook, I clean and then we can have a meaningful shag.'

"And make sure you get my daughter home before sunrise..!"

"We were having a great conversation and then someone clapped."

"I'd love to go out with you. Do I have to have time to change."

"Now that we've fallen in love, I have a confession. I'm not a giraffe—I'm fifty-eight weasels in a trenchcoat."

'Take this stick-drive and open the file 'John's Emotional Baggage'. It'll save a lot of time.'

"I do want to talk about your feelings but first let's talk about cheese."

'May I recommend a dry white with the seafood dish.'

"Do you have anything that would make him seem like a self satisfied pig?"

"You need a mint."

'I met my wife on Faeces Book.'

"He's such a gentleman, he didn't use a 'mating call' to attract me: he's developed a 'please join me on a date' call..."

"We're not a couple. He's just my ride."

Sure he's a zombie, but hey, it's nice to finally meet someone who is more interested in my brains than my body.

'I seem to be very conservative but secretly, I'm a rebel - I don't wear pants.'

"I'm sure my parents will love you, but for the time being, let's not mention that you're genetically modified."

"Smile! It's for the women I've dated scrapbook!"

"Okay. So, apart from being a very shy ventriloquist, is there anything else you can tell me about him?"

Chameleon in a bar.

'If the opposite sex insisted on devouring YOUR head and laying thousands of eggs in YOUR carcass, then perhaps celibacy wouldn't seem like such an unreasonable lifestyle option!'

"I brought Tom home to my parents and left him there."

"If you want to charge a man for sex, you have to do it like everyone else - slowly, over time, beginning with dinner."

Dear Diary....I'll never, ever, go on a blind date again!

'I don't usually find worms attractive,but as soon as I saw him I was hooked!'

"Can Hilary come out to abstain from having sex?"

"You will let me know if I'm boring you with my little stories, won't you dear?"

"Siri, find me someone better."

Another last "first date" for Daphne "...and here's kitty peeking out of a shoe box. Oh! And here he is playing with a dead birdie! Oh how cute! Here's Kitty looking around a corner! And..."