First Date Humorist Gifts

"Suddenly I can't think of anything to chirp."

"What I don't like about the military is all the emphasis on winning."

'Will you stop repeating everything I say.'

"...and someone with no fleas. Anything else?"

"It started rather well, but then, you sang two wrong notes, so that's a fail in my book. Try again at the next mating season..."

Wine Selection 'Here we are. Our cheapest house wine. Would the gentleman care to smell the twisty cap?'

'Let's go to your place. I cook, I clean and then we can have a meaningful shag.'

"I'd love to go out with you. Do I have to have time to change."

"Now that we've fallen in love, I have a confession. I'm not a giraffe—I'm fifty-eight weasels in a trenchcoat."

'Take this stick-drive and open the file 'John's Emotional Baggage'. It'll save a lot of time.'

'May I recommend a dry white with the seafood dish.'

"Do you have anything that would make him seem like a self satisfied pig?"

"You need a mint."

"I am off duty, but the body cam allows me to discreetly take photos of my meal."

"We're not a couple. He's just my ride."

"He's such a gentleman, he didn't use a 'mating call' to attract me: he's developed a 'please join me on a date' call..."

'I seem to be very conservative but secretly, I'm a rebel - I don't wear pants.'

"Smile! It's for the women I've dated scrapbook!"

"Okay. So, apart from being a very shy ventriloquist, is there anything else you can tell me about him?"

"I'm sure my parents will love you, but for the time being, let's not mention that you're genetically modified."

He's Tasty!

Sure he's a zombie, but hey, it's nice to finally meet someone who is more interested in my brains than my body.

'Don't look now Muriel. But that Polyphemus guy has been giving you the eye all night.'

'If the opposite sex insisted on devouring YOUR head and laying thousands of eggs in YOUR carcass, then perhaps celibacy wouldn't seem like such an unreasonable lifestyle option!'

"I brought Tom home to my parents and left him there."

"If you want to charge a man for sex, you have to do it like everyone else - slowly, over time, beginning with dinner."

Dear Diary....I'll never, ever, go on a blind date again!

'I don't usually find worms attractive,but as soon as I saw him I was hooked!'

'Like I said in the ad - GSOH.'

"You will let me know if I'm boring you with my little stories, won't you dear?"

Another last "first date" for Daphne "...and here's kitty peeking out of a shoe box. Oh! And here he is playing with a dead birdie! Oh how cute! Here's Kitty looking around a corner! And..."

"Can Hilary come out to abstain from having sex?"

"When you called yourself a playboy...."