First Date Humorist Mugs

"Suddenly I can't think of anything to chirp."

"What I don't like about the military is all the emphasis on winning."

'Will you stop repeating everything I say.'

"...and someone with no fleas. Anything else?"

"It started rather well, but then, you sang two wrong notes, so that's a fail in my book. Try again at the next mating season..."

Wine Selection 'Here we are. Our cheapest house wine. Would the gentleman care to smell the twisty cap?'

'Let's go to your place. I cook, I clean and then we can have a meaningful shag.'

When we met, you told me you make a lousy first impression. Well, guess what: You also make a lousy second impression. Actually, my only decent impression is Kirk Douglas. Wanna hear it?

"I'd love to go out with you. Do I have to have time to change."

"Now that we've fallen in love, I have a confession. I'm not a giraffe—I'm fifty-eight weasels in a trenchcoat."

'Take this stick-drive and open the file 'John's Emotional Baggage'. It'll save a lot of time.'

'May I recommend a dry white with the seafood dish.'

"Do you have anything that would make him seem like a self satisfied pig?"

"You need a mint."

"He's such a gentleman, he didn't use a 'mating call' to attract me: he's developed a 'please join me on a date' call..."

"I am off duty, but the body cam allows me to discreetly take photos of my meal."

It sounds like you have a lot of baggage. Yes, but it's all Louis Vuitton! Menu.

"We're not a couple. He's just my ride."

First Date

"Ooh, this one sounds interesting, 'Single, vegetarian, bulbous, with moves like a lava lamp'."

'I seem to be very conservative but secretly, I'm a rebel - I don't wear pants.'

He's Tasty!

"I'm sure my parents will love you, but for the time being, let's not mention that you're genetically modified."

Sure he's a zombie, but hey, it's nice to finally meet someone who is more interested in my brains than my body.

"Okay. So, apart from being a very shy ventriloquist, is there anything else you can tell me about him?"

"Smile! It's for the women I've dated scrapbook!"

'If the opposite sex insisted on devouring YOUR head and laying thousands of eggs in YOUR carcass, then perhaps celibacy wouldn't seem like such an unreasonable lifestyle option!'

'Don't look now Muriel. But that Polyphemus guy has been giving you the eye all night.'

"I brought Tom home to my parents and left him there."

'Like I said in the ad - GSOH.'

"When you called yourself a playboy...."

"Can Hilary come out to abstain from having sex?"

'I don't usually find worms attractive,but as soon as I saw him I was hooked!'

Another last "first date" for Daphne "...and here's kitty peeking out of a shoe box. Oh! And here he is playing with a dead birdie! Oh how cute! Here's Kitty looking around a corner! And..."

"If you want to charge a man for sex, you have to do it like everyone else - slowly, over time, beginning with dinner."