Modern Dating Humorist Gifts

'You'd better go home now, Ted -- I'm beginning to feel lonesome.'

"No, being friends with benefits doesn't include health care."

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

"...and someone with no fleas. Anything else?"

'Let's go to your place. I cook, I clean and then we can have a meaningful shag.'

"Kevin, I'm leaving you to find myself ... a better Internet connection."

Pop Top Ice FIshing

This man is an island.

"I'd love to go out with you. Do I have to have time to change."

"We were having a great conversation and then someone clapped."

"And make sure you get my daughter home before sunrise..!"

"Now that we've fallen in love, I have a confession. I'm not a giraffe—I'm fifty-eight weasels in a trenchcoat."

'I'm sorry, Jason. I don't date anyone new until I've googled them.'

'Take this stick-drive and open the file 'John's Emotional Baggage'. It'll save a lot of time.'

"I do want to talk about your feelings but first let's talk about cheese."

"You text LOL, but you have yet to actualize LOL..."

"I thought you did a great job with your gender neutral statements ... There will be a second date."

"This isn't working. We have nothing in common."

'Let's do lunch.'

Suddenly it occurred to Justin that rose petals might have been more romantic.

"You need a mint."

"I've become so good at dating—relationships that used to take months now last a matter of days."

"Lemonade App: $1"

It sounds like you have a lot of baggage. Yes, but it's all Louis Vuitton! Menu.

First Date

"We're not a couple. He's just my ride."

I'm looking at photos of potential dates here. Your "screening" process.

'She won't even look at me. It's like I'm a banner ad.'

"He's such a gentleman, he didn't use a 'mating call' to attract me: he's developed a 'please join me on a date' call..."

Gotta take you out, kid – You're getting booed off the field on my Twitter feed.

"Nothing - he's ghosting you."

'I met my wife on Faeces Book.'

"These days, I don't eat homework. I just install ransomware."

"I'm sure my parents will love you, but for the time being, let's not mention that you're genetically modified."

"It's over between us Brian. . . as soon as I've announced it on twitter."