Modern Dating Humorist Pillows

'You'd better go home now, Ted -- I'm beginning to feel lonesome.'

"No, being friends with benefits doesn't include health care."

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

"...and someone with no fleas. Anything else?"

"Kevin, I'm leaving you to find myself ... a better Internet connection."

'Let's go to your place. I cook, I clean and then we can have a meaningful shag.'

"We were having a great conversation and then someone clapped."

Pop Top Ice FIshing

This man is an island.

"I'd love to go out with you. Do I have to have time to change."

"And make sure you get my daughter home before sunrise..!"

"Now that we've fallen in love, I have a confession. I'm not a giraffe—I'm fifty-eight weasels in a trenchcoat."

'Take this stick-drive and open the file 'John's Emotional Baggage'. It'll save a lot of time.'

"I thought you did a great job with your gender neutral statements ... There will be a second date."

"I do want to talk about your feelings but first let's talk about cheese."

"You text LOL, but you have yet to actualize LOL..."

"This isn't working. We have nothing in common."

'Let's do lunch.'

Suddenly it occurred to Justin that rose petals might have been more romantic.

"You need a mint."

"I've become so good at dating—relationships that used to take months now last a matter of days."

'She won't even look at me. It's like I'm a banner ad.'

"Lemonade App: $1"

"We're not a couple. He's just my ride."

"He's such a gentleman, he didn't use a 'mating call' to attract me: he's developed a 'please join me on a date' call..."

'I met my wife on Faeces Book.'

"These days, I don't eat homework. I just install ransomware."

"I'm sure my parents will love you, but for the time being, let's not mention that you're genetically modified."

"Smile! It's for the women I've dated scrapbook!"

Sure he's a zombie, but hey, it's nice to finally meet someone who is more interested in my brains than my body.