Dating Humorists Pillows

"Well, if you can't walk through walls this is where I say goodbye."

'Single male, seeks serious relationship with female... preferably spayed.'

"I said in my ad that I was short and stout."

I reckon a laundromat's a good place to pick up a woman. I don't agree. A woman who can't afford a washing machine will probably never be afford to keep you.

"Claws? Or no claws?"

"I'm sure my parents will love you, but for the time being, let's not mention that you're genetically modified."

"I like my men like I enjoy my peanut butter. Chunky with big nuts."

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

"...and someone with no fleas. Anything else?"

"He was into feet, but, unforunately, not duck feet."

'Let's go to your place. I cook, I clean and then we can have a meaningful shag.'

"I'd love to go out with you. Do I have to have time to change."

"We were having a great conversation and then someone clapped."

"And make sure you get my daughter home before sunrise..!"

"I do want to talk about your feelings but first let's talk about cheese."

"I want to be upfront. At this point, I'm only looking for a casual hookup of Frankenstein."

First Date

'I met my wife on Faeces Book.'

It sounds like you have a lot of baggage. Yes, but it's all Louis Vuitton! Menu.

"He's such a gentleman, he didn't use a 'mating call' to attract me: he's developed a 'please join me on a date' call..."

"We're not a couple. He's just my ride."

"Okay. So, apart from being a very shy ventriloquist, is there anything else you can tell me about him?"

Sure he's a zombie, but hey, it's nice to finally meet someone who is more interested in my brains than my body.

He's Tasty!

"Smile! It's for the women I've dated scrapbook!"

Chameleon in a bar.

"I brought Tom home to my parents and left him there."

"Can Hilary come out to abstain from having sex?"

Do you suspect me of ulterior motives? Let's put it this way: You're not a suspect; you're a person of disinterest.

"If you want to charge a man for sex, you have to do it like everyone else - slowly, over time, beginning with dinner."

"I probably should have mentioned that I'm allergic to cats, Albert. . ."

"Siri, find me someone better."

'Like I said in the ad - GSOH.'

"Swipe left." Henry VIII

'This is not what I meant when I said we were going dutch.'