Dating Site Humorist Pillows

"Here's a candidate that might be exactly what you're looking for. She describes herself as: 'A woman of loose morals.'"

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

"...and someone with no fleas. Anything else?"

"Would you like to keep eighty-seven tabs open?"

I put a picture of my lunch on Facebook, and nobody hit "like." Who doesn't like Slim Jims and beer?

'I wouldn't kick her out of bed.'

'Let's go to your place. I cook, I clean and then we can have a meaningful shag.'

"That's the trouble with cute kittens - they attract a lot of traffic."

"And make sure you get my daughter home before sunrise..!"

"I'd love to go out with you. Do I have to have time to change."

"We were having a great conversation and then someone clapped."

"I do want to talk about your feelings but first let's talk about cheese."

Catroom.

"I want to be upfront. At this point, I'm only looking for a casual hookup of Frankenstein."

Whoever said "Brevity is the soul of wit" must have not read many tweets!

'Why in the world do you want to log on to the vet doctor. who did a 'fix' job on you?!'

'I met my wife on Faeces Book.'

First Date

"He's such a gentleman, he didn't use a 'mating call' to attract me: he's developed a 'please join me on a date' call..."

It sounds like you have a lot of baggage. Yes, but it's all Louis Vuitton! Menu.

"We're not a couple. He's just my ride."

He's Tasty!

Sure he's a zombie, but hey, it's nice to finally meet someone who is more interested in my brains than my body.

"Smile! It's for the women I've dated scrapbook!"

"Okay. So, apart from being a very shy ventriloquist, is there anything else you can tell me about him?"

"I'm sure my parents will love you, but for the time being, let's not mention that you're genetically modified."

Chameleon in a bar.

"There's no such thing as a stupid question -- There are, however, stupid Google searches."

"I brought Tom home to my parents and left him there."

'Like I said in the ad - GSOH.'

"Can Hilary come out to abstain from having sex?"

"Swipe left." Henry VIII

Do you suspect me of ulterior motives? Let's put it this way: You're not a suspect; you're a person of disinterest.

"If you want to charge a man for sex, you have to do it like everyone else - slowly, over time, beginning with dinner."

"Siri, find me someone better."