Dating App Humorist Pillows

You're a Match.

"Swipe left." Henry VIII

"I want to be upfront. At this point, I'm only looking for a casual hookup of Frankenstein."

"My dating site paired me with wine."

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

"...and someone with no fleas. Anything else?"

"I swapped my 'couch to 5k' training app for a '5k to couch' one!"

'I wouldn't kick her out of bed.'

'Let's go to your place. I cook, I clean and then we can have a meaningful shag.'

"We were having a great conversation and then someone clapped."

"And make sure you get my daughter home before sunrise..!"

"I'd love to go out with you. Do I have to have time to change."

"I do want to talk about your feelings but first let's talk about cheese."

'I met my wife on Faeces Book.'

"He's such a gentleman, he didn't use a 'mating call' to attract me: he's developed a 'please join me on a date' call..."

"We're not a couple. He's just my ride."

It sounds like you have a lot of baggage. Yes, but it's all Louis Vuitton! Menu.

First Date

"Smile! It's for the women I've dated scrapbook!"

Sure he's a zombie, but hey, it's nice to finally meet someone who is more interested in my brains than my body.

He's Tasty!

"I'm sure my parents will love you, but for the time being, let's not mention that you're genetically modified."

"Okay. So, apart from being a very shy ventriloquist, is there anything else you can tell me about him?"

Chameleon in a bar.

"If you want to charge a man for sex, you have to do it like everyone else - slowly, over time, beginning with dinner."

I'm used to seeing crocodile tears when I tell off a man in this bar, but this is the first time I've seen crocodile exclamation points. ! !

"I brought Tom home to my parents and left him there."

'Like I said in the ad - GSOH.'

Do you suspect me of ulterior motives? Let's put it this way: You're not a suspect; you're a person of disinterest.

Dear Diary....I'll never, ever, go on a blind date again!

"Can Hilary come out to abstain from having sex?"

"Siri, find me someone better."

"He's handsome. I wonder how he tastes?"

'This is not what I meant when I said we were going dutch.'

'Five minutes into date 1 and my dog has already booked date 2. . .'