Dating App Humorist Pillows

You're a Match.

"Swipe left." Henry VIII

"I want to be upfront. At this point, I'm only looking for a casual hookup of Frankenstein."

"My dating site paired me with wine."

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

"...and someone with no fleas. Anything else?"

"I swapped my 'couch to 5k' training app for a '5k to couch' one!"

'I wouldn't kick her out of bed.'

'Let's go to your place. I cook, I clean and then we can have a meaningful shag.'

"And make sure you get my daughter home before sunrise..!"

"I'd love to go out with you. Do I have to have time to change."

"We were having a great conversation and then someone clapped."

"I do want to talk about your feelings but first let's talk about cheese."

"He's such a gentleman, he didn't use a 'mating call' to attract me: he's developed a 'please join me on a date' call..."

'I met my wife on Faeces Book.'

"We're not a couple. He's just my ride."

He's Tasty!

"Okay. So, apart from being a very shy ventriloquist, is there anything else you can tell me about him?"

Sure he's a zombie, but hey, it's nice to finally meet someone who is more interested in my brains than my body.

"Smile! It's for the women I've dated scrapbook!"

"I'm sure my parents will love you, but for the time being, let's not mention that you're genetically modified."

Chameleon in a bar.

"Can Hilary come out to abstain from having sex?"

"If you want to charge a man for sex, you have to do it like everyone else - slowly, over time, beginning with dinner."

Dear Diary....I'll never, ever, go on a blind date again!

"Siri, find me someone better."

"I brought Tom home to my parents and left him there."

'Like I said in the ad - GSOH.'

"He's handsome. I wonder how he tastes?"

'This is not what I meant when I said we were going dutch.'

"What's wrong with you? Just call her John! Just pick up the phone and dial!"

'Five minutes into date 1 and my dog has already booked date 2. . .'

"Gosh, she's sexy!"