Dating Game Humorist Pillows

'I heard you might be interested in getting to know more about my hair.'

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

"...and someone with no fleas. Anything else?"

'I wouldn't kick her out of bed.'

'Let's go to your place. I cook, I clean and then we can have a meaningful shag.'

"I'd love to go out with you. Do I have to have time to change."

"We were having a great conversation and then someone clapped."

"And make sure you get my daughter home before sunrise..!"

"Now that we've fallen in love, I have a confession. I'm not a giraffe—I'm fifty-eight weasels in a trenchcoat."

'Take this stick-drive and open the file 'John's Emotional Baggage'. It'll save a lot of time.'

'May I recommend a dry white with the seafood dish.'

"I do want to talk about your feelings but first let's talk about cheese."

"I want to be upfront. At this point, I'm only looking for a casual hookup of Frankenstein."

"Do you have anything that would make him seem like a self satisfied pig?"

"He's such a gentleman, he didn't use a 'mating call' to attract me: he's developed a 'please join me on a date' call..."

First Date

'I met my wife on Faeces Book.'

It sounds like you have a lot of baggage. Yes, but it's all Louis Vuitton! Menu.

"We're not a couple. He's just my ride."

"Okay. So, apart from being a very shy ventriloquist, is there anything else you can tell me about him?"

"I'm sure my parents will love you, but for the time being, let's not mention that you're genetically modified."

'I seem to be very conservative but secretly, I'm a rebel - I don't wear pants.'

Sure he's a zombie, but hey, it's nice to finally meet someone who is more interested in my brains than my body.

He's Tasty!

"Smile! It's for the women I've dated scrapbook!"

Chameleon in a bar.

'If the opposite sex insisted on devouring YOUR head and laying thousands of eggs in YOUR carcass, then perhaps celibacy wouldn't seem like such an unreasonable lifestyle option!'

"If you want to charge a man for sex, you have to do it like everyone else - slowly, over time, beginning with dinner."

'Like I said in the ad - GSOH.'

Do you suspect me of ulterior motives? Let's put it this way: You're not a suspect; you're a person of disinterest.

'I don't usually find worms attractive,but as soon as I saw him I was hooked!'

"Can Hilary come out to abstain from having sex?"

Another last "first date" for Daphne "...and here's kitty peeking out of a shoe box. Oh! And here he is playing with a dead birdie! Oh how cute! Here's Kitty looking around a corner! And..."

"Siri, find me someone better."

"Swipe left." Henry VIII