Online Dating Humorist Pillows

Oedipus discovers a 'MILF' website.

"Yes. I'm Sexy_Lady081266. Why do you ask?"

'I met my wife on Faeces Book.'

"Siri, find me someone better."

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

"...and someone with no fleas. Anything else?"

"Would you like to keep eighty-seven tabs open?"

I put a picture of my lunch on Facebook, and nobody hit "like." Who doesn't like Slim Jims and beer?

'I wouldn't kick her out of bed.'

"That's the trouble with cute kittens - they attract a lot of traffic."

'Let's go to your place. I cook, I clean and then we can have a meaningful shag.'

"We were having a great conversation and then someone clapped."

"And make sure you get my daughter home before sunrise..!"

"I'd love to go out with you. Do I have to have time to change."

"I do want to talk about your feelings but first let's talk about cheese."

Catroom.

"I want to be upfront. At this point, I'm only looking for a casual hookup of Frankenstein."

Whoever said "Brevity is the soul of wit" must have not read many tweets!

"We're not a couple. He's just my ride."

It sounds like you have a lot of baggage. Yes, but it's all Louis Vuitton! Menu.

"He's such a gentleman, he didn't use a 'mating call' to attract me: he's developed a 'please join me on a date' call..."

'Why in the world do you want to log on to the vet doctor. who did a 'fix' job on you?!'

First Date

"Smile! It's for the women I've dated scrapbook!"

"Okay. So, apart from being a very shy ventriloquist, is there anything else you can tell me about him?"

"I'm sure my parents will love you, but for the time being, let's not mention that you're genetically modified."

Sure he's a zombie, but hey, it's nice to finally meet someone who is more interested in my brains than my body.

He's Tasty!

Chameleon in a bar.

"There's no such thing as a stupid question -- There are, however, stupid Google searches."

"If you want to charge a man for sex, you have to do it like everyone else - slowly, over time, beginning with dinner."

"Can Hilary come out to abstain from having sex?"

I'm used to seeing crocodile tears when I tell off a man in this bar, but this is the first time I've seen crocodile exclamation points. ! !

"Swipe left." Henry VIII

'Like I said in the ad - GSOH.'