Online Dating Humorist Pillows

Oedipus discovers a 'MILF' website.

"Yes. I'm Sexy_Lady081266. Why do you ask?"

'I met my wife on Faeces Book.'

"Siri, find me someone better."

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

"...and someone with no fleas. Anything else?"

"Would you like to keep eighty-seven tabs open?"

'I wouldn't kick her out of bed.'

'Let's go to your place. I cook, I clean and then we can have a meaningful shag.'

"I'd love to go out with you. Do I have to have time to change."

"We were having a great conversation and then someone clapped."

"And make sure you get my daughter home before sunrise..!"

"I do want to talk about your feelings but first let's talk about cheese."

Catroom.

"I want to be upfront. At this point, I'm only looking for a casual hookup of Frankenstein."

"He's such a gentleman, he didn't use a 'mating call' to attract me: he's developed a 'please join me on a date' call..."

'Why in the world do you want to log on to the vet doctor. who did a 'fix' job on you?!'

"We're not a couple. He's just my ride."

Sure he's a zombie, but hey, it's nice to finally meet someone who is more interested in my brains than my body.

"I'm sure my parents will love you, but for the time being, let's not mention that you're genetically modified."

He's Tasty!

"Smile! It's for the women I've dated scrapbook!"

"Okay. So, apart from being a very shy ventriloquist, is there anything else you can tell me about him?"

Chameleon in a bar.

"There's no such thing as a stupid question -- There are, however, stupid Google searches."

'Like I said in the ad - GSOH.'

"Can Hilary come out to abstain from having sex?"

"Swipe left." Henry VIII

"If you want to charge a man for sex, you have to do it like everyone else - slowly, over time, beginning with dinner."

"I brought Tom home to my parents and left him there."

'Why do I always get un-friended? I'm a nice troll.'

"He's handsome. I wonder how he tastes?"