App Humorist Pillows

"I swapped my 'couch to 5k' training app for a '5k to couch' one!"

"Technology isn't making me smarter. It's allowing me to be dumb, faster."

"Canadian Mt. ‘Rush’more"

"Hey, pal, let's hear 'Doggie in the Window' again, and this time play it like you mean it!"

Bad Timbre: the world's first Garage Philharmonic Orchestra

"Would you like to keep eighty-seven tabs open?"

I put a picture of my lunch on Facebook, and nobody hit "like." Who doesn't like Slim Jims and beer?

"OMG, LOL!"

Man runs into Bigfoot taking a selfie.

"I was going to play the Moonlight Sonata, but I forgot the key."

"This next one is my own quirky rendition of Berlioz's 'Symphonie Fantastique,' Movement 5, 'Dream of a Witches' Sabbath.'"

Radiator jazz player

"I change my mantra every two months so no one can hack my soul."

"Will follow you on social media for food."

"Not now, my love. I'm feeling preminstrel."

Elevator Music

"That's the trouble with cute kittens - they attract a lot of traffic."

"Larry, what's the weather forecast?" "Let me ask you something. Did you make waffles this morning? Because someone had maple syrup on their hands, and I seem to recall a hand moving me... a pretty, pretty, pretty sticky hand..."

"I thought it would be appropriate to have a band playing as we went down."

"I've edited your Wikipedia entry again, Sadie. You're about to be inundated with phone calls from the press." "Whatever, geek-boy." "You're now the world's foremost authority on Turkey leprosy, the disease that's threatening to ruin the holidays." "No one'll believe that." "Oh yeah? I wrote a Wikipedia page for Turkey leprosy, too, along with examples of all the historical figures it's killed, such as the Archduke of Crushistan." "There is no 'Crushistan.'" "I've written a Wikipedia entry for C

The Phantom Of The Garden

"They'll be expecting adagio. Go with the allegro."

Opera singer singing to her partner who is wearing a gas mask on due to her bad breath.

Guitar pickin'

The Smartass Phone

"Don't worry about her sucking her thumb. Soon she'll be texting with it."

"Alright. What should we watch first - the Youtube video or the comments below?"

'PHWOAR! You should have seen her rear end when she sat on the piano. . . played 'TINK' and 'BOOM' at the same time!'

Rap-scallions

Pay me not to pay 'Wonderwall'

"The incessant chatter was driving me crackers, so I got him his own twitter account."

Waiter in resturant sawing violin.

'Sorry, we can't offer you a job but we would like to publish your CV.'

"Who is 'coming around the mountain,' John? Could it be your mother?"

Double Saxophone