Humorist In Love Pillows

"Helen, is it possible that we are using our child as an intimacy barrier?"

Tom had been told always to wear a condom.

"I was thinking more of a leap-year wedding."

"Yo, Ned Beatty, paddle harder if you ever want to kiss me again."

'Will you marry me, Gloria?'

'I'm gonna go slip into something less comfortable.'

Computer dating: 'You look kind of cute.'

'Wait a minute -- Shouldn't you be saying something about 'If not completely satisfied'?'

'That's not true, I do listen. I'm just not very interested.'

My funny Valentine

"So it's come to this, Doreen."

"I'd give you a piece of my mind if it weren't already operating on emergency reserves!"

"She just takes things too seriously in our relationship."

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

"...and someone with no fleas. Anything else?"

Clown on bike.

'Eat less. Drink less. Be merry more.'

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

"He was the one everyone called 'The Greatest.' Then one day, a stranger turned up in town."

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

'What was that?!' 'A 'Mach'-ing bird.'

"I'm just a girl, standing in front of a buoy..."

"It started rather well, but then, you sang two wrong notes, so that's a fail in my book. Try again at the next mating season..."

"Relax. At your age, it's common to have a nose hare now and then."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

'That was close...hit me right in the wallet.'

"The recipe said to let the chicken rest after it comes out of the oven!"

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

"It's over, Martin. I've met someone with bigger cheeks."

'I'm going to have an out-of-body experience -- can I bring you anything?'

You got what you deserve … you deserve each other.

"You look so beautiful, glistening in the moonlight."

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

"Honey, have you seen my onions?"

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'