Comedian In Love Pillows

"I'm not saying that I don't have intimacy issues. I'm just saying that I prefer to work on them by myself."

"Before we begin, I am obligated to remind you that anything you do or say can be used against you in a group chat with all my friends."

"How do you love me. Count the ways!"

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

Cupid shoots a guy 3 times...'The other two are for the labor pains you're going to cause her!'

"I take her out every night, but she keeps on coming back."

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"Maybe we should have just had a baby..."

"She just takes things too seriously in our relationship."

'Stop staring and make a wish!'

"Not now, my love. I'm feeling preminstrel."

"Do you want to suddenly decide we need a waffle maker?"

"Yo, Ned Beatty, paddle harder if you ever want to kiss me again."

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

"I've been out of the dating scene a long time. Is kissing still a thing?"

"That was Copernicus on the phone – he says you're NOT the centre of the universe!"

"My wife says she wants you to make me fit for purpose."

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.'

"He was into feet, but, unforunately, not duck feet."

'You had better eat those intestinal organs or there's no dessert for you!'

'How much would you take off for cash?'

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

'Will you marry me, Gloria?'

"Phil, honey, do you ever think about taking our relationship to the next level?"

Jewellers - "If you really love your wife to be, then money should be no object."

' You're wonderful.' 'I know.'

'Marry me, and make me the happiest man in the world.' 'You want BOTH?!'

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

'man trouble? What you need is a big piece of cake.'

"He was a rescue."

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

'Can't you be happy without forever whistling?'

'You said I should check back with you if I didn't get any better. . .'

'There you go again...constantly snagging!'

Dan and Irene's 'communication problems' improve, thanks to Richard, their couples therapist.