Relationship Comedian Pillows

The End is Near...You Wish.

' You're wonderful.' 'I know.'

"Someone dropped me as a baby."

'Stop staring and make a wish!'

'I hold my husband responsible-he ducked!'

His and Hers Towels

"Know what we need? We need a house wine."

'I've just discovered how much we two have in common - including my boyfriend!'

'I'm saying I want to share your pain you selfish bastard.'

'I never said virgin I said vegan.'

'You knew I came with a set.'

"I gave my wife a present for our anniversary and she gave me a black eye."

The Eternal Consequence for Men Not Putting the Seat Down...

"Wait a minute. Doesn't he have to sign a formal surrender document or something?"

'I've just raised you to junk status.'

'Promise you'll never leave me , Guiseppe.'

'Look what followed me home, Dear - Can I keep her?'

'I've got something here that'll spice up our sex life, darling.'

'Whose hair is that on your shoulder?'.

'Sharing the petrol costs didn't bother me, but I resent having to pay half for the condoms!'

'And I thought I was leaving you.'

"It's my ex. He wants to pay me a conjugal visit."

"Can't we talk this over?"

'But you can't break up with me! I just bought a domain name with both our names on it.'

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"Would you like me to leave room for us to get back together?"

"I felt the Earth Move!"

"I think I'm ready to add you to my bubble."

2517 days no sex

"I'm leaving you Stu, and I'm taking these catalogues for a new suitcase with me."

Table for two. Whom does sir think he's kidding? You're right table for one. Menu.

"The first couple years I smothered him with love. Then later on I just smothered him."

I called Laurel an hour ago and she hasn't called me back. Do you think she still likes me?! Ahh! Now it's an hour and one minute! Love is a beautiful thing.

Sadie, the way you objectify football players is unconscionable. It's what? All you talk about are their muscles, square jaws, animal intensity. Ooh. What? I live it when you get all puffed up and macho and tough. And what biceps. Much better. Well played. Girl does what she's got to.

"Maybe we should have just had a baby..."