Relationship Comedist Pillows

"You're the first dog I've introduced to my parents. I know they're gonna love you."

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"It's not the social stigma. It's the mercury."

"I just love the way you're so endlessly inventive in the bedroom."

"Let's talk film or let's not talk film - I'm easy."

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

'Well, thanks, but we have no need of a Divorce Lawyer: We're Lovebirds you see...'

'No, I'm the marriage counselor. What you need is the semantics counselor down the hall.'

"Maybe we should have just had a baby..."

'Stop staring and make a wish!'

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

'... And it's been ages since he last swashed his buckle!'

"Not now, my love. I'm feeling preminstrel."

"I've been out of the dating scene a long time. Is kissing still a thing?"

'I wouldn't kick her out of bed.'

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

"Do you want to suddenly decide we need a waffle maker?"

'It's been years since she sang my praises.'

When at a loss for words Colin would often resort to communicating through the medium of contemporary dance.

Always Compatible

"Well, this isn't really going anywhere if you don't like public displays of affection."

"What's with the Tim Russert act?"

'The way we met was interesting. I opened my wallet and there she was!'

'Whaddya mean, 'Quit hogging the blanket'? There's a blanket in here?

Tunnel of Temporary Infatuation

"My wife says she wants you to make me fit for purpose."

'Don't blame me -- You're the one who had to have more personal space!'

"It's partly my fault he's been ignoring me lately. I'm the one who gave him the laser pointer."

"I honored her every request except for the last one: 'Harold, please stop making a scene'."