Relationship Comedist Pillows

"You're the first dog I've introduced to my parents. I know they're gonna love you."

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"It's not the social stigma. It's the mercury."

"I just love the way you're so endlessly inventive in the bedroom."

"Let's talk film or let's not talk film - I'm easy."

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

'Well, thanks, but we have no need of a Divorce Lawyer: We're Lovebirds you see...'

'No, I'm the marriage counselor. What you need is the semantics counselor down the hall.'

"I said I'd give you the world, didn't I?"

"Maybe we should have just had a baby..."

"You really ought to cut down on your scream time."

'Stop staring and make a wish!'

'Your place or mine?'

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

"I'm Lester Holt, and this, is date night."

"I've been out of the dating scene a long time. Is kissing still a thing?"

'... And it's been ages since he last swashed his buckle!'

'I wouldn't kick her out of bed.'

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

"Not now, my love. I'm feeling preminstrel."

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

"Do you want to suddenly decide we need a waffle maker?"

When at a loss for words Colin would often resort to communicating through the medium of contemporary dance.

'It's been years since she sang my praises.'

Tunnel of Temporary Infatuation

"It's partly my fault he's been ignoring me lately. I'm the one who gave him the laser pointer."

'The way we met was interesting. I opened my wallet and there she was!'

Always Compatible

"I've learned something about you tonight, Alan. You say 'chowmein' when you mean 'lomein'."

"Well, this isn't really going anywhere if you don't like public displays of affection."

'Whaddya mean, 'Quit hogging the blanket'? There's a blanket in here?

I think you'll find that I'm easily encouraged. For instance, the fact that the two exclamation points above your head are tempered by one question mark gives me great hope. !?!

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.'

"What's with the Tim Russert act?"