Relationship Humourist Pillows

'It took him 12 years and 743 dates before he proposed; so don't be surprised it took him 5 glasses to decide the wine is off.'

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"Do you, Darlene, take Jim to be your lawfully wedded husband, when you could, clearly, do far better?"

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"I just love the way you're so endlessly inventive in the bedroom."

"It's not the social stigma. It's the mercury."

"Let's talk film or let's not talk film - I'm easy."

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

I DATED A GUY FROM THE FAIR, BUT . . .

'Well, thanks, but we have no need of a Divorce Lawyer: We're Lovebirds you see...'

"I said I'd give you the world, didn't I?"

'No, I'm the marriage counselor. What you need is the semantics counselor down the hall.'

"Maybe we should have just had a baby..."

"You really ought to cut down on your scream time."

'Stop staring and make a wish!'

"I'm Lester Holt, and this, is date night."

Excess Baggage: By the time the male of the species admits he is lost. It is generally too late.

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

"April Fools'! You should’ve seen the look on your face!"

"You're hogging the covers again!"

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

'... And it's been ages since he last swashed his buckle!'

"What I really wanted was a dog, but my landlord won't allow it. So I got married instead."

When at a loss for words Colin would often resort to communicating through the medium of contemporary dance.

'This marriage is turning into a complete farce.'

"I've learned something about you tonight, Alan. You say 'chowmein' when you mean 'lomein'."

'The way we met was interesting. I opened my wallet and there she was!'

'Don't blame me -- You're the one who had to have more personal space!'

"I love a woman with a sense of humour."

Always Compatible

I think you'll find that I'm easily encouraged. For instance, the fact that the two exclamation points above your head are tempered by one question mark gives me great hope. !?!

"Well, this isn't really going anywhere if you don't like public displays of affection."

'I want to finish with him, but I'll have to wait until he's made the final payment on my engagement ring.'

'Is that 'forsaking all others' bit compulsory?'

Tunnel of Temporary Infatuation