Relationshiphumorist Pillows

''Cheese' is your answer to everything!'

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"Do you, Darlene, take Jim to be your lawfully wedded husband, when you could, clearly, do far better?"

"It's not the social stigma. It's the mercury."

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"I just love the way you're so endlessly inventive in the bedroom."

"Let's talk film or let's not talk film - I'm easy."

"First date hairball... awkward."

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

'Stop complaining woman, you wanted a boating holiday!'

I DATED A GUY FROM THE FAIR, BUT . . .

'No, I'm the marriage counselor. What you need is the semantics counselor down the hall.'

'Well, thanks, but we have no need of a Divorce Lawyer: We're Lovebirds you see...'

"Maybe we should have just had a baby..."

'Stop staring and make a wish!'

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

"You're hogging the covers again!"

"April Fools'! You should’ve seen the look on your face!"

'... And it's been ages since he last swashed his buckle!'

"He should be up and complaining in no time."

When at a loss for words Colin would often resort to communicating through the medium of contemporary dance.

"I've learned something about you tonight, Alan. You say 'chowmein' when you mean 'lomein'."

'The way we met was interesting. I opened my wallet and there she was!'

Tunnel of Temporary Infatuation

'Whaddya mean, 'Quit hogging the blanket'? There's a blanket in here?

"I honored her every request except for the last one: 'Harold, please stop making a scene'."

'Don't blame me -- You're the one who had to have more personal space!'

Always Compatible

'This marriage is turning into a complete farce.'

"What's with the Tim Russert act?"

"It's partly my fault he's been ignoring me lately. I'm the one who gave him the laser pointer."

"Doctor - at home I get this nagging pain... what do you recommend?"