Relationship Humourist Gifts

'It took him 12 years and 743 dates before he proposed; so don't be surprised it took him 5 glasses to decide the wine is off.'

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"Do you, Darlene, take Jim to be your lawfully wedded husband, when you could, clearly, do far better?"

"It's not the social stigma. It's the mercury."

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"I just love the way you're so endlessly inventive in the bedroom."

"Let's talk film or let's not talk film - I'm easy."

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

I DATED A GUY FROM THE FAIR, BUT . . .

'Well, thanks, but we have no need of a Divorce Lawyer: We're Lovebirds you see...'

"Maybe we should have just had a baby..."

'No, I'm the marriage counselor. What you need is the semantics counselor down the hall.'

'Stop staring and make a wish!'

"You're hogging the covers again!"

Excess Baggage: By the time the male of the species admits he is lost. It is generally too late.

"April Fools'! You should’ve seen the look on your face!"

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

'... And it's been ages since he last swashed his buckle!'

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

When at a loss for words Colin would often resort to communicating through the medium of contemporary dance.

"What I really wanted was a dog, but my landlord won't allow it. So I got married instead."

"I honored her every request except for the last one: 'Harold, please stop making a scene'."

'Is that 'forsaking all others' bit compulsory?'

Always Compatible

"Well, this isn't really going anywhere if you don't like public displays of affection."

'Whaddya mean, 'Quit hogging the blanket'? There's a blanket in here?

Tunnel of Temporary Infatuation

'The way we met was interesting. I opened my wallet and there she was!'

'This marriage is turning into a complete farce.'

'Don't blame me -- You're the one who had to have more personal space!'

"It's partly my fault he's been ignoring me lately. I'm the one who gave him the laser pointer."

'I want to finish with him, but I'll have to wait until he's made the final payment on my engagement ring.'