Relationship Humorists Gifts

How to Drive Your Man Crazy in Bed

'I'm sorry, it's just been so long since someone asked me what I wanted.'

"Goodbye, Kevin. I could look the other way with the boozing and the skirt-chasing, but I did not sign up for bicycle clothes."

'I know yesterday was your birthday, but you're so hard to shop for.'

"Is it horny in here, or is it just me?"

"Is this your way of telling me you need a little 'me time'?"

'I put her up on a pedestal, and then she got up on a soapbox!'

'Oh, hello Julie. I'm a bit busy at the moment. Can I call you back in forty five seconds?'

"He promise me the Earth - then got an allotment off the Council."

"Well, to be perfectly honest, the dream of every gander is to marry a goose that lays golden eggs..."

'Whenever he puts me up on a pedestal, I get nosebleeds.'

"I lose more girlfriends that way."

'I don't care how comfortable you feel with me. This reels weird for a first date.'

'Just keep treading water, I'll be there in a hour or two, mother-in-law.'

'Great, we're lost! What is it with you men and not stopping to ask for directions?'

'Now darling, I hope I'm not boring you with all this wine talk!'

'Now that hunting season is over, I'd suggest separate vacations.'

'I need a pronoun for 'My ex and I.' '

'Great, we're lost. I thought you said you knew the way to the ark! I bet even the stupid monkeys made it there!'

You wake up and face the crack of dawn. I wake up and face the crack of Ralph.

Increase Your Height.

"Paddy, why do you wear two condoms?"

"And every time a relationship dies, another completely unique baby-talk language dies with it."

Woman ties her husband up with the horses outside a saloon.

"Don't you dare try to ignore me, Sidney - I know you're in there!"

"That's the third time I've had to replace the clutch."

"It was DIY that broke up a relationship. I wanted to have sex on my own are you want to do it with me."

"On one hand this is bad for the statistics on domestic violence but on the other hand he and his wife now keep a really perfect distance."

"Not tonight, dear, I'm not in the mooooood."

"It worries me that you keepreferring to our honeymoon as our 'honeymoon period.'"

"Neil Simon, where are you?"

"Well, Elaine, it looks as though we're not on the same page when it comes to the fidelity issue."

"I read somewhere that when two people live together for a long time they start to look like each other."

"The doctor says my hearing's fine, but he wants to check out your mumble."

"'Happily ever after' you want? Then you keep the house kosher!"