Relationship Humorists Mugs

How to Drive Your Man Crazy in Bed

'I'm sorry, it's just been so long since someone asked me what I wanted.'

"Goodbye, Kevin. I could look the other way with the boozing and the skirt-chasing, but I did not sign up for bicycle clothes."

'I know yesterday was your birthday, but you're so hard to shop for.'

"Is it horny in here, or is it just me?"

"I said... Your turn signal has been on ever since we pulled out of the driveway!"

"Is this your way of telling me you need a little 'me time'?"

'I put her up on a pedestal, and then she got up on a soapbox!'

'Oh, hello Julie. I'm a bit busy at the moment. Can I call you back in forty five seconds?'

'I'm well prepared for a relationship with Tiger Woods. I'm used to things going downhill quickly.'

"He promise me the Earth - then got an allotment off the Council."

"Well, to be perfectly honest, the dream of every gander is to marry a goose that lays golden eggs..."

'Whenever he puts me up on a pedestal, I get nosebleeds.'

"I lose more girlfriends that way."

'If you two are going to insist on wearing these shirts during each session, I'm afraid I can no longer be your counselor.'

'I don't care how comfortable you feel with me. This reels weird for a first date.'

'Just keep treading water, I'll be there in a hour or two, mother-in-law.'

'Great, we're lost! What is it with you men and not stopping to ask for directions?'

'Now darling, I hope I'm not boring you with all this wine talk!'

'What do you mean it's not yours?'

'Now that hunting season is over, I'd suggest separate vacations.'

'I need a pronoun for 'My ex and I.' '

'Great, we're lost. I thought you said you knew the way to the ark! I bet even the stupid monkeys made it there!'

You wake up and face the crack of dawn. I wake up and face the crack of Ralph.

Increase Your Height.

"Paddy, why do you wear two condoms?"

"And every time a relationship dies, another completely unique baby-talk language dies with it."

"George Clooney here, reckons I'm too sarcastic!"

Woman ties her husband up with the horses outside a saloon.

"Don't you dare try to ignore me, Sidney - I know you're in there!"

"That's the third time I've had to replace the clutch."

"It was DIY that broke up a relationship. I wanted to have sex on my own are you want to do it with me."

"On one hand this is bad for the statistics on domestic violence but on the other hand he and his wife now keep a really perfect distance."

"Fifty bucks. Just glue them shut before they go into my wife's mouth."

"Not tonight, dear, I'm not in the mooooood."