Comedian In A Relationship Pillows

'So this is what you meant when you promised to take me out for a 'three course meal'!'

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

Stand-up Romcom

"Maybe we should have just had a baby..."

'Stop staring and make a wish!'

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

"My wife says she wants you to make me fit for purpose."

"He was into feet, but, unforunately, not duck feet."

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.'

"How do you love me. Count the ways!"

"That was Copernicus on the phone – he says you're NOT the centre of the universe!"

'You had better eat those intestinal organs or there's no dessert for you!'

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

'No, but thanks for asking.'

Debbie greatly misinterpreted the marriage counselor's suggestion that she and Tom have a monthly 'date night.'

"Phil, honey, do you ever think about taking our relationship to the next level?"

'If I inspired this love peom, how come it's written on the back of a Hooters' napkin?'

' You're wonderful.' 'I know.'

'Can't you be happy without forever whistling?'

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

'You said I should check back with you if I didn't get any better. . .'

'If you're going to marry this geek, I suggest you get the extended warranty.'

'There you go again...constantly snagging!'

'man trouble? What you need is a big piece of cake.'

So … how did you two meet?

"He was a rescue."

Dan and Irene's 'communication problems' improve, thanks to Richard, their couples therapist.

Table for two. Whom does sir think he's kidding? You're right table for one. Menu.

"But in the dream, ha ha, your family was normal, even that sociopath little brother of yours."

Sadie, the way you objectify football players is unconscionable. It's what? All you talk about are their muscles, square jaws, animal intensity. Ooh. What? I live it when you get all puffed up and macho and tough. And what biceps. Much better. Well played. Girl does what she's got to.

'Wine improves my judgement. The urge to choke you lessens after a couple glasses of Chardonnay.'

"When I said 'I'm leaving' this morning I meant for the office"

"What makes you think I doubt your abilities?"