Comedian Spouse Pillows

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

'It's been years since she sang my praises.'

"How do you love me. Count the ways!"

'No, but thanks for asking.'

"Hello darling! - I'm back from the black hole!!"

'Your dinner's in the microwave.'

"....'Sickness, health? ... better, worse... richer, poorer?'... how about leaving me some wiggle room!"

We would have come to you sooner, but he wouldn't ask for directions.

"Don't you dare try to sneak out of this cartoon!"

'My husband's first name? Heck, I don't know! I call him `wimp` since we met the first time'!

"We've only been married three years and she's already giving me gbh of the ear 'oles."

"And that's another thing, when did you last take me out ?"

'...and he hogs the sunny spot!'

'Separate rooms please, we're on our second honeymoon.'

'May I leave early today, Sir? The market is down and my wife is alone...'

Applecart - "Its's just there as a reminder!"

'I gave him the best years of my life. That's true. Then we got married.'

"I figured I'd start with one love handle and if you liked it, go for the pair."

"You've been ages,dear-but never mind I've been patiently waiting in the pub accross the road!"

'Your wife came by and left a message'

"OK - I'll say it again - I love you even more than my p******* hour."

'This is my new husband Gregory -- I don't quite have all the bugs out of him yet.'

'If anyone here objects to the marriage of these two men, speak up now because opponents are aging and dying off and soon won't matter anymore...'

"My client doesn't have to answer that."

The Impractical Guide to Having Babies: 'I'm a fully qualified puppeteer!'

'My wife didn't leave me after all -- She just drove to the airport to pick up her mother.'

'So, you were unbunging the sink when your husband said...'

'We believe in resolving a problem as soon as it arises.'

'I'm entitled to one phone call!'

"I can write my name in the snow. I bet you can't do that."

Cupid shoots a guy 3 times...'The other two are for the labor pains you're going to cause her!'

"To be honest, after our marriage I thought you might have released your inhibitions."

'The man at the beer store said this ale is made without any harmful chemicals, so I added some myself.'