Dating Comedian Pillows

"Barry looks to have pulled a mussel."

"...and someone with no fleas. Anything else?"

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"Maybe we should have just had a baby..."

'Stop staring and make a wish!'

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

"He was into feet, but, unforunately, not duck feet."

"How do you love me. Count the ways!"

"My wife says she wants you to make me fit for purpose."

"That was Copernicus on the phone – he says you're NOT the centre of the universe!"

'Let's go to your place. I cook, I clean and then we can have a meaningful shag.'

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.'

"I'd love to go out with you. Do I have to have time to change."

"Phil, honey, do you ever think about taking our relationship to the next level?"

' You're wonderful.' 'I know.'

'man trouble? What you need is a big piece of cake.'

"He was a rescue."

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

'Can't you be happy without forever whistling?'

'There you go again...constantly snagging!'

Dan and Irene's 'communication problems' improve, thanks to Richard, their couples therapist.

"When I said 'I'm leaving' this morning I meant for the office"

"You need a mint."

"But in the dream, ha ha, your family was normal, even that sociopath little brother of yours."

'Sharing the petrol costs didn't bother me, but I resent having to pay half for the condoms!'