Dating Comedians Pillows

"He was into feet, but, unforunately, not duck feet."

"You had me at hell."

"...and someone with no fleas. Anything else?"

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"Maybe we should have just had a baby..."

'Stop staring and make a wish!'

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

"My wife says she wants you to make me fit for purpose."

"That was Copernicus on the phone – he says you're NOT the centre of the universe!"

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.'

'Let's go to your place. I cook, I clean and then we can have a meaningful shag.'

"How do you love me. Count the ways!"

"Phil, honey, do you ever think about taking our relationship to the next level?"

Debbie greatly misinterpreted the marriage counselor's suggestion that she and Tom have a monthly 'date night.'

'If I inspired this love peom, how come it's written on the back of a Hooters' napkin?'

"I'd love to go out with you. Do I have to have time to change."

' You're wonderful.' 'I know.'

'There you go again...constantly snagging!'

So … how did you two meet?

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

'Can't you be happy without forever whistling?'

"He was a rescue."

'man trouble? What you need is a big piece of cake.'

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

Dan and Irene's 'communication problems' improve, thanks to Richard, their couples therapist.

Football Delivery

"But in the dream, ha ha, your family was normal, even that sociopath little brother of yours."

Table for two. Whom does sir think he's kidding? You're right table for one. Menu.

'You've had a bad day? Try being stuck in this house!'

'Wine improves my judgement. The urge to choke you lessens after a couple glasses of Chardonnay.'

"You need a mint."

"When I said 'I'm leaving' this morning I meant for the office"

"You know very well what fish!"

Sadie, the way you objectify football players is unconscionable. It's what? All you talk about are their muscles, square jaws, animal intensity. Ooh. What? I live it when you get all puffed up and macho and tough. And what biceps. Much better. Well played. Girl does what she's got to.