Dating Comedic Pillows

"You need a mint."

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

"...and someone with no fleas. Anything else?"

'I wouldn't kick her out of bed.'

'Let's go to your place. I cook, I clean and then we can have a meaningful shag.'

"He was into feet, but, unforunately, not duck feet."

"I'd love to go out with you. Do I have to have time to change."

"We were having a great conversation and then someone clapped."

"And make sure you get my daughter home before sunrise..!"

"Now that we've fallen in love, I have a confession. I'm not a giraffe—I'm fifty-eight weasels in a trenchcoat."

'Take this stick-drive and open the file 'John's Emotional Baggage'. It'll save a lot of time.'

"I do want to talk about your feelings but first let's talk about cheese."

First Date

'Hey babe, I got two tickets to the gun show, you interested?'

"He's such a gentleman, he didn't use a 'mating call' to attract me: he's developed a 'please join me on a date' call..."

"We're not a couple. He's just my ride."

It sounds like you have a lot of baggage. Yes, but it's all Louis Vuitton! Menu.

Sure he's a zombie, but hey, it's nice to finally meet someone who is more interested in my brains than my body.

"Smile! It's for the women I've dated scrapbook!"

He's Tasty!

"Okay. So, apart from being a very shy ventriloquist, is there anything else you can tell me about him?"

"I'm sure my parents will love you, but for the time being, let's not mention that you're genetically modified."

'If the opposite sex insisted on devouring YOUR head and laying thousands of eggs in YOUR carcass, then perhaps celibacy wouldn't seem like such an unreasonable lifestyle option!'

"If you want to charge a man for sex, you have to do it like everyone else - slowly, over time, beginning with dinner."

Do you suspect me of ulterior motives? Let's put it this way: You're not a suspect; you're a person of disinterest.

Another last "first date" for Daphne "...and here's kitty peeking out of a shoe box. Oh! And here he is playing with a dead birdie! Oh how cute! Here's Kitty looking around a corner! And..."

"Can Hilary come out to abstain from having sex?"

I'm used to seeing crocodile tears when I tell off a man in this bar, but this is the first time I've seen crocodile exclamation points. ! !

'Like I said in the ad - GSOH.'

"I brought Tom home to my parents and left him there."

Dear Diary....I'll never, ever, go on a blind date again!

"Some people think accountants are just boring number crunchers but actually 47% of 235 people covering 34%..."

"He's handsome. I wonder how he tastes?"

'This is not what I meant when I said we were going dutch.'

"Sorry, I don't date older men."