Dating Comedian Gifts

"Barry looks to have pulled a mussel."

"...and someone with no fleas. Anything else?"

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"Maybe we should have just had a baby..."

'Stop staring and make a wish!'

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

"How do you love me. Count the ways!"

When we met, you told me you make a lousy first impression. Well, guess what: You also make a lousy second impression. Actually, my only decent impression is Kirk Douglas. Wanna hear it?

'Let's go to your place. I cook, I clean and then we can have a meaningful shag.'

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.'

"My wife says she wants you to make me fit for purpose."

"He was into feet, but, unforunately, not duck feet."

"That was Copernicus on the phone – he says you're NOT the centre of the universe!"

"I'd love to go out with you. Do I have to have time to change."

'If I inspired this love peom, how come it's written on the back of a Hooters' napkin?'

"Phil, honey, do you ever think about taking our relationship to the next level?"

Debbie greatly misinterpreted the marriage counselor's suggestion that she and Tom have a monthly 'date night.'

' You're wonderful.' 'I know.'

"He was a rescue."

'There you go again...constantly snagging!'

'man trouble? What you need is a big piece of cake.'

So … how did you two meet?

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

'Can't you be happy without forever whistling?'

Dan and Irene's 'communication problems' improve, thanks to Richard, their couples therapist.

'You've had a bad day? Try being stuck in this house!'

"When I said 'I'm leaving' this morning I meant for the office"

"You need a mint."

"But in the dream, ha ha, your family was normal, even that sociopath little brother of yours."

Sadie, the way you objectify football players is unconscionable. It's what? All you talk about are their muscles, square jaws, animal intensity. Ooh. What? I live it when you get all puffed up and macho and tough. And what biceps. Much better. Well played. Girl does what she's got to.

'Wine improves my judgement. The urge to choke you lessens after a couple glasses of Chardonnay.'

Table for two. Whom does sir think he's kidding? You're right table for one. Menu.

The Eternal Consequence for Men Not Putting the Seat Down...