Comedian In A Relationship Gifts

'So this is what you meant when you promised to take me out for a 'three course meal'!'

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

Stand-up Romcom

"Maybe we should have just had a baby..."

'Stop staring and make a wish!'

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

"He was into feet, but, unforunately, not duck feet."

"That was Copernicus on the phone – he says you're NOT the centre of the universe!"

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.'

"My wife says she wants you to make me fit for purpose."

"How do you love me. Count the ways!"

'You had better eat those intestinal organs or there's no dessert for you!'

"Phil, honey, do you ever think about taking our relationship to the next level?"

'No, but thanks for asking.'

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

' You're wonderful.' 'I know.'

'man trouble? What you need is a big piece of cake.'

"He was a rescue."

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

'If you're going to marry this geek, I suggest you get the extended warranty.'

'You said I should check back with you if I didn't get any better. . .'

'There you go again...constantly snagging!'

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

'Can't you be happy without forever whistling?'

Dan and Irene's 'communication problems' improve, thanks to Richard, their couples therapist.

"What makes you think I doubt your abilities?"

"When I said 'I'm leaving' this morning I meant for the office"

"But in the dream, ha ha, your family was normal, even that sociopath little brother of yours."