Comedian In Love Gifts

"I'm not saying that I don't have intimacy issues. I'm just saying that I prefer to work on them by myself."

"Before we begin, I am obligated to remind you that anything you do or say can be used against you in a group chat with all my friends."

"How do you love me. Count the ways!"

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Why aren't there any proverbs about the way to a woman's heart? Because that would imply men are asking directions.

Cupid shoots a guy 3 times...'The other two are for the labor pains you're going to cause her!'

"I take her out every night, but she keeps on coming back."

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"Maybe we should have just had a baby..."

"She just takes things too seriously in our relationship."

'Stop staring and make a wish!'

'Your place or mine?'

"Not now, my love. I'm feeling preminstrel."

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

"Do you want to suddenly decide we need a waffle maker?"

"Yo, Ned Beatty, paddle harder if you ever want to kiss me again."

"I've been out of the dating scene a long time. Is kissing still a thing?"

"My wife says she wants you to make me fit for purpose."

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.'

"That was Copernicus on the phone – he says you're NOT the centre of the universe!"

"He was into feet, but, unforunately, not duck feet."

'You had better eat those intestinal organs or there's no dessert for you!'

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

Jewellers - "If you really love your wife to be, then money should be no object."

'If I inspired this love peom, how come it's written on the back of a Hooters' napkin?'

Debbie greatly misinterpreted the marriage counselor's suggestion that she and Tom have a monthly 'date night.'

'Will you marry me, Gloria?'

'How much would you take off for cash?'

"Phil, honey, do you ever think about taking our relationship to the next level?"

' You're wonderful.' 'I know.'

'Marry me, and make me the happiest man in the world.' 'You want BOTH?!'

"He was a rescue."

'Can't you be happy without forever whistling?'

So … how did you two meet?

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."