Comedian In Relationships Gifts

Dan and Irene's 'communication problems' improve, thanks to Richard, their couples therapist.

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"I just love the way you're so endlessly inventive in the bedroom."

"It's not the social stigma. It's the mercury."

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"Let's talk film or let's not talk film - I'm easy."

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

"You really ought to cut down on your scream time."

'No, I'm the marriage counselor. What you need is the semantics counselor down the hall.'

"I said I'd give you the world, didn't I?"

'Well, thanks, but we have no need of a Divorce Lawyer: We're Lovebirds you see...'

"Maybe we should have just had a baby..."

'Stop staring and make a wish!'

'Your place or mine?'

"I'm Lester Holt, and this, is date night."

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

'... And it's been ages since he last swashed his buckle!'

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

'I wouldn't kick her out of bed.'

When at a loss for words Colin would often resort to communicating through the medium of contemporary dance.

"Well, this isn't really going anywhere if you don't like public displays of affection."

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.'

"My wife says she wants you to make me fit for purpose."

'The way we met was interesting. I opened my wallet and there she was!'

'Don't blame me -- You're the one who had to have more personal space!'

"I love a woman with a sense of humour."

"It's partly my fault he's been ignoring me lately. I'm the one who gave him the laser pointer."

"I've learned something about you tonight, Alan. You say 'chowmein' when you mean 'lomein'."

Always Compatible

'Is that 'forsaking all others' bit compulsory?'

Tunnel of Temporary Infatuation

"What's with the Tim Russert act?"

I think you'll find that I'm easily encouraged. For instance, the fact that the two exclamation points above your head are tempered by one question mark gives me great hope. !?!

'Whaddya mean, 'Quit hogging the blanket'? There's a blanket in here?