Dating Comedy Gifts

'If you're God's gift to women, I'd rather just have the money.'

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"Maybe we should have just had a baby..."

'Stop staring and make a wish!'

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

"He was into feet, but, unforunately, not duck feet."

"My wife says she wants you to make me fit for purpose."

When we met, you told me you make a lousy first impression. Well, guess what: You also make a lousy second impression. Actually, my only decent impression is Kirk Douglas. Wanna hear it?

"That was Copernicus on the phone – he says you're NOT the centre of the universe!"

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.'

"And make sure you get my daughter home before sunrise..!"

"We were having a great conversation and then someone clapped."

Debbie greatly misinterpreted the marriage counselor's suggestion that she and Tom have a monthly 'date night.'

"Now that we've fallen in love, I have a confession. I'm not a giraffe—I'm fifty-eight weasels in a trenchcoat."

' You're wonderful.' 'I know.'

'Take this stick-drive and open the file 'John's Emotional Baggage'. It'll save a lot of time.'

'There you go again...constantly snagging!'

'man trouble? What you need is a big piece of cake.'

'Oh that's weird! i just had a shiver go down my wallet. My wife must have just bought something.'

'I just want to be sure to get this right. You met again your imaginary childhood friend and then happened WHAT?'

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

'Can't you be happy without forever whistling?'

Shawn considered himself a vegetarian by proxy.

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

"He was a rescue."

So … how did you two meet?

"It's not your phone service... you're talking into a spring roll."

"Where did you say you went to culinary school?"

'My wife says not to worry. She's convinced she can get me out of here with coupons.'

"When I said 'I'm leaving' this morning I meant for the office"

'Wine improves my judgement. The urge to choke you lessens after a couple glasses of Chardonnay.'

Table for two. Whom does sir think he's kidding? You're right table for one. Menu.

Sadie, the way you objectify football players is unconscionable. It's what? All you talk about are their muscles, square jaws, animal intensity. Ooh. What? I live it when you get all puffed up and macho and tough. And what biceps. Much better. Well played. Girl does what she's got to.

"But in the dream, ha ha, your family was normal, even that sociopath little brother of yours."