Dating Comedy Gifts

'If you're God's gift to women, I'd rather just have the money.'

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"Maybe we should have just had a baby..."

'Stop staring and make a wish!'

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

"That was Copernicus on the phone – he says you're NOT the centre of the universe!"

"My wife says she wants you to make me fit for purpose."

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.'

"He was into feet, but, unforunately, not duck feet."

"We were having a great conversation and then someone clapped."

"And make sure you get my daughter home before sunrise..!"

"Now that we've fallen in love, I have a confession. I'm not a giraffe—I'm fifty-eight weasels in a trenchcoat."

' You're wonderful.' 'I know.'

'Take this stick-drive and open the file 'John's Emotional Baggage'. It'll save a lot of time.'

"Where did you say you went to culinary school?"

'Can't you be happy without forever whistling?'

Shawn considered himself a vegetarian by proxy.

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

"It's not your phone service... you're talking into a spring roll."

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

"He was a rescue."

'Oh that's weird! i just had a shiver go down my wallet. My wife must have just bought something.'

'There you go again...constantly snagging!'

'man trouble? What you need is a big piece of cake.'

'I just want to be sure to get this right. You met again your imaginary childhood friend and then happened WHAT?'

'My wife says not to worry. She's convinced she can get me out of here with coupons.'

"You need a mint."

"When I said 'I'm leaving' this morning I meant for the office"

"But in the dream, ha ha, your family was normal, even that sociopath little brother of yours."