Dating Humor Gifts

"Now that we've fallen in love, I have a confession. I'm not a giraffe—I'm fifty-eight weasels in a trenchcoat."

'Your silo or mine?'

'The dating agency must have got it wrong - "stinking rich" is my nickname.'

'Doug clearly wasn't interested in pursuing small talk'

'If the opposite sex insisted on devouring YOUR head and laying thousands of eggs in YOUR carcass, then perhaps celibacy wouldn't seem like such an unreasonable lifestyle option!'

'Take this stick-drive and open the file 'John's Emotional Baggage'. It'll save a lot of time.'

"Sorry, I don't date older men."

"Go out with you? Not even if a comet hitting the planet left you the last dinosaur on Earth."

"It's not you – it's my anaphylaxis."

Worst. Mating all. Ever.

"Oh, man! Was it as good for you as it was for me?"

"Psst. Grog. That shit never works. Must show her you can hunt or make fire or something."

'You give me goose bumps.'

'I know you've heard about how we roosters get around, but believe me, I'm a one-chicken guy.'

"Really? I'm a transplanted New Yorker myself..."

By the third bottle the date was going well. She'd almost forgotten what he looked like.

It's Saturday night. You're watching the Dateless Channel.

Another last "first date" for Daphne "...and here's kitty peeking out of a shoe box. Oh! And here he is playing with a dead birdie! Oh how cute! Here's Kitty looking around a corner! And..."

"You're the only man he's ever liked."

"Let's face it. If the hot and horny sl*ts really wanted us, they would have called by now."

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

Excess Baggage: By the time the male of the species admits he is lost. It is generally too late.

'I wouldn't kick her out of bed.'

"What I really wanted was a dog, but my landlord won't allow it. So I got married instead."

"We were having a great conversation and then someone clapped."

"And make sure you get my daughter home before sunrise..!"

Randy the Love Doctor. What ails you, brother? My wife wants us to renew our vows and have a big ceremony. But I'd rather save that money for retirement. Should I tell her to go take a hike? Of course. That way, there's a good chance you won't have to worry about retirement at all. Exactly ... Wait, what do you mean by that?

"Where did you say you went to culinary school?"

'He's wearing a toupee.'

'May I recommend a dry white with the seafood dish.'

Shawn considered himself a vegetarian by proxy.

"I do want to talk about your feelings but first let's talk about cheese."

'No, you don't have hemorrhoids. You have a case of himorrhoids, has your husband been a pain in the butt, lately?'

'You've been faking it, haven't you?'

"That word-puzzle gloat of yours is getting old fast."