Humor In Dating Fan Gifts

'My ad said I was 'blond with curves' it didn't say anything about me being a woman.'

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

Life is for the birds.

Hello. I'm Ferdinand. I'll be monitoring the levels of bull at your table this evening. Menu. Menu.

"First date hairball... awkward."

'Stop complaining woman, you wanted a boating holiday!'

"He should be up and complaining in no time."

"Open a wine that will make me want to watch the shows you want to watch."

"You don't sniff my butt anymore."

"It's Doris Kearns Goodwin. Is there anything we'd like to know about the Presidency?"

"This merger is not producing the expected synergies."

"And make sure you get my daughter home before sunrise..!"

"We were having a great conversation and then someone clapped."

'I knew you would come crawling back.'

"Now that we've fallen in love, I have a confession. I'm not a giraffe—I'm fifty-eight weasels in a trenchcoat."

'Take this stick-drive and open the file 'John's Emotional Baggage'. It'll save a lot of time.'

One cheese omelette, and I've never cheated on my husband. Um, okay. Anything else? A side of hash browns for this one-man woman! And a chocolate as hot and sweet as my intensely singular love for this phenomenal guy. Chuck? Yes dear? I've been having an affair for the last six months. Oh don't act surprised. One scone, and what the @#$% just happened? The denial and snacks before the storm.

"I do want to talk about your feelings but first let's talk about cheese."

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

"Well that's the last of our offspring gone - let battle commence."

'He's wearing a toupee.'

'Roger, you're just a Rooster and I'm just a Hen. Is all of this necessary?'

What do I want out of our relationship? Same thing anyone wants. Good value.

'Marry me!'

"You need a mint."

"Manfred, don't get so defensive!"

"Ogden, you're taking yourself too damn seriously."

'Sorry, I'm afraid it was a false alarm. It turns out that 'the emergency gas leak' was my husband.'

"Do you have to put tomato sauce on everything?"

"What the hell do you mean you don't think it's mine?!"

"He's a terrible drunk."

Why Running Away Together Is Not a Very Good Idea...

"This now concludes our broadcast day."

'You never comment in hushed tones of awe when you catch a glimpse of MY wonders of nature!'

'Your wife called while you were out, sir -- she loves you and wants to know where the hell you put the car keys.'