Dating Advice Humor Gifts

'My steve is terrified of commitment - he won't even subscribe to magazines.'

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

'I wouldn't kick her out of bed.'

"We were having a great conversation and then someone clapped."

"And make sure you get my daughter home before sunrise..!"

"Now that we've fallen in love, I have a confession. I'm not a giraffe—I'm fifty-eight weasels in a trenchcoat."

'Take this stick-drive and open the file 'John's Emotional Baggage'. It'll save a lot of time.'

"Where did you say you went to culinary school?"

'He's wearing a toupee.'

Shawn considered himself a vegetarian by proxy.

'May I recommend a dry white with the seafood dish.'

"I do want to talk about your feelings but first let's talk about cheese."

"You need a mint."

'If you want to get anywhere with girls, you gotta PRETEND to like bunnies, ponies, and kittens.'

"So Dave - did you get lucky? Dave....? Dave...?"

'If the opposite sex insisted on devouring YOUR head and laying thousands of eggs in YOUR carcass, then perhaps celibacy wouldn't seem like such an unreasonable lifestyle option!'

"I probably should have mentioned that I'm allergic to cats, Albert. . ."

I'm used to seeing crocodile tears when I tell off a man in this bar, but this is the first time I've seen crocodile exclamation points. ! !

Another last "first date" for Daphne "...and here's kitty peeking out of a shoe box. Oh! And here he is playing with a dead birdie! Oh how cute! Here's Kitty looking around a corner! And..."

'How was your date?'

"Some people think accountants are just boring number crunchers but actually 47% of 235 people covering 34%..."

'This is not what I meant when I said we were going dutch.'

'Anything you want to know about women, fellas, just ask me - I used to be a woman, once,'

"Sorry, I don't date older men."

'I didn't know our relationship was SUPPOSED to be going anywhere.'

"Well of course I'm nervous....what if I chat her up only to find out she's my ex?"

"I warned you, Silvia, all 8 foot lizard creatures are the same."

'I know you've heard about how we roosters get around, but believe me, I'm a one-chicken guy.'

'Other than performing the Heimlich, when was the last time you put your arms around me?'

'My ad said I was 'blond with curves' it didn't say anything about me being a woman.'

'You certainly are a lady-killer - I'm almost starved to death!'

"I don't want self-help, I want beyond help!"

'You'd better go home now, Ted -- I'm beginning to feel lonesome.'

Why worms have no confidence

"I'm invisible to all men."