Dating Advice Humor Gifts

'My steve is terrified of commitment - he won't even subscribe to magazines.'

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

'I wouldn't kick her out of bed.'

"And make sure you get my daughter home before sunrise..!"

"We were having a great conversation and then someone clapped."

"Now that we've fallen in love, I have a confession. I'm not a giraffe—I'm fifty-eight weasels in a trenchcoat."

'Take this stick-drive and open the file 'John's Emotional Baggage'. It'll save a lot of time.'

Shawn considered himself a vegetarian by proxy.

'May I recommend a dry white with the seafood dish.'

'He's wearing a toupee.'

"Where did you say you went to culinary school?"

"I do want to talk about your feelings but first let's talk about cheese."

"You need a mint."

'If you want to get anywhere with girls, you gotta PRETEND to like bunnies, ponies, and kittens.'

"So Dave - did you get lucky? Dave....? Dave...?"

'If the opposite sex insisted on devouring YOUR head and laying thousands of eggs in YOUR carcass, then perhaps celibacy wouldn't seem like such an unreasonable lifestyle option!'

'How was your date?'

Another last "first date" for Daphne "...and here's kitty peeking out of a shoe box. Oh! And here he is playing with a dead birdie! Oh how cute! Here's Kitty looking around a corner! And..."

"I probably should have mentioned that I'm allergic to cats, Albert. . ."

"Some people think accountants are just boring number crunchers but actually 47% of 235 people covering 34%..."

'This is not what I meant when I said we were going dutch.'

'Anything you want to know about women, fellas, just ask me - I used to be a woman, once,'

"Sorry, I don't date older men."

'My ad said I was 'blond with curves' it didn't say anything about me being a woman.'

'I know you've heard about how we roosters get around, but believe me, I'm a one-chicken guy.'

'You'd better go home now, Ted -- I'm beginning to feel lonesome.'

"Well of course I'm nervous....what if I chat her up only to find out she's my ex?"

'Other than performing the Heimlich, when was the last time you put your arms around me?'

'I didn't know our relationship was SUPPOSED to be going anywhere.'

"I don't want self-help, I want beyond help!"

'You certainly are a lady-killer - I'm almost starved to death!'

"I warned you, Silvia, all 8 foot lizard creatures are the same."

Why worms have no confidence

"I'm invisible to all men."

"I thought it was a place to pick up some chicks, but NOOOOO!"