Dating Advice Gifts

'But enough about me...'

'Anything you want to know about women, fellas, just ask me - I used to be a woman, once,'

"Don't be a goon. Probably all he's after is your tires."

"I just figured out why we've never had girlfriends."

Dating Tip #23: If you must wear a mustache keep it neat and trim.

"I warned you, Silvia, all 8 foot lizard creatures are the same."

'If you want to get anywhere with girls, you gotta PRETEND to like bunnies, ponies, and kittens.'

"Hey, it worked for me. Just tell her you're a prince."

"Dad, when you were young, meeting girls was easy, right?"

"Mixed marriages never work out. An 'A-lister' should never marry a 'B-lister'."

"Phony would be an understatement. She was made of styrofoam."

"I don't want self-help, I want beyond help!"

"What's that? I asked for a teal lichen. That's a brown thread. Are you trying to upset me?"

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

'Now what brings you lovely people here?'

"I met him on an online dating site. He was on their 'return' section."

"Do you have any of those books that understand men?"

'You know too much!'

"I've switched my energy provider, and I switched my broadband provider. Now I want to switch my misery provider."

"Is this Randy the Love Doctor?"

"OK, fine. Perhaps 'sower of discord in the lower depths of hell' was overstating it."

"Sometimes I like to come here by myself and contemplate ... or just scream about you."

'...In functionality and in dysfunctionality....'

"...And do you promise if you ever should divorce that you'll remain friends?"

"You can’t just go up the waterspout whenever you hear something you don’t like!"

"Are you crazy? I can’t tell her that!"

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

WHO checklist

"If you don't stop saying 'This whole game is a charade!' we're going home."

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

'I want to start by having you take separate staycations.'

Preying mantis marriage councellor.

"I'm not against going to couples therapy, but it feels weird to do it on a first date."

"It will be all your fault."