Dating Advice Gifts

'But enough about me...'

'Anything you want to know about women, fellas, just ask me - I used to be a woman, once,'

"Don't be a goon. Probably all he's after is your tires."

"I just figured out why we've never had girlfriends."

This is Dr. Sadie. What's your question, caller? How do I know if a guy likes me? There's one telltale sign a man is interested in you: HE WEEPS WHEN YOU MERCILESSLY MOCK HIM AND ALL THAT HE HOLDS DEAR. It also weeds out the "men" who are afraid to cry. Thank you, Dr. Sadie.

Dating Tip #23: If you must wear a mustache keep it neat and trim.

"I warned you, Silvia, all 8 foot lizard creatures are the same."

'If you want to get anywhere with girls, you gotta PRETEND to like bunnies, ponies, and kittens.'

"Hey, it worked for me. Just tell her you're a prince."

"Dad, when you were young, meeting girls was easy, right?"

"Mixed marriages never work out. An 'A-lister' should never marry a 'B-lister'."

"Phony would be an understatement. She was made of styrofoam."

"I don't want self-help, I want beyond help!"

"What's that? I asked for a teal lichen. That's a brown thread. Are you trying to upset me?"

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"I met him on an online dating site. He was on their 'return' section."

'Now what brings you lovely people here?'

"Do you have any of those books that understand men?"

'You know too much!'

"Is this Randy the Love Doctor?"

"Sometimes I like to come here by myself and contemplate ... or just scream about you."

"I've switched my energy provider, and I switched my broadband provider. Now I want to switch my misery provider."

"OK, fine. Perhaps 'sower of discord in the lower depths of hell' was overstating it."

Bob's Marriage Advice: 'Geez, Bob. . . Now you're equating both marriage living in Florida to death?!!. . .Ah. . . so the restraining order by Disneyworld is still in effect?'

"...And do you promise if you ever should divorce that you'll remain friends?"

'...In functionality and in dysfunctionality....'

"You can’t just go up the waterspout whenever you hear something you don’t like!"

"If you don't stop saying 'This whole game is a charade!' we're going home."

WHO checklist

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

What Guys Say and What They Mean,

"Are you crazy? I can’t tell her that!"

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

Snow White and her husband go for counselling.