Dating Advice Guru Gifts

"Dad want's to talk about the birds and the bees/ I guess I'll have to tell him about girls."

'How was your date?'

"Do you have any of those books that understand men?"

I really think I can handle this date on my own. Lemme ask you something. Would you trust me alone with a ybot 340? An Xbox 360? They changed the name? Okay. But you cannot hit on my date. I'm only here to help.

Adam and Eve: Reconcilable Differences

What should we do this fine Sunday? I have an idea. Let's spend the day staring at each other and using pet names. Ahem. You affection is making us ill! They're upset, Monkey Bear. You're so handsome. We're trying to eat!

What Guys Say and What They Mean,

'He's a catch for any woman - there's so much to re-mould'

Boyfriend of the Month.

'If you must know, yes, I do sometimes fake purring.'

Preying mantis marriage councellor.

"I think it was good for me. Was it good for you?"

Catch and release dating.

"It's only fair. He has a man cave."

"I feel I'm losing touch with the unrealistic view I have of him."

The Stages of Wine

Express Therapy

'There are lots of fish in the sea.'

'Your therapy helped me leave Frank. Franks wants to thank you personally.'

"I just wish that, for once, when he asked me what I wanted, it wasn't followed by 'for Christmas?'"

We've been together so long, we can finish each other's texts.

'Here's how you'll know for sure. Does he always get dreamy and say it, like 'I l-o-o-o-v-e you,' - or is it just a tossed-off, 'Love ya!?'

"It's all about compromise. He's not dishwasher safe and I'm not microwave safe, but we make it work."

'Standing on tiptoe waving your claw may attract a crab, but it certainly doesn't woo me.'

Online Dating for Dummies

"I've had my eye on you for some time"

Sulking

Ask Sadie. I am getting divorced and I moved to Vegas. Do you think that's a smart move? - Jim. *Actual reader letter. Jim, this is a great question. One I get all the time. You do? Really? Oh yes, people are always asking me for my advice after they've already done something. You're about to yell. What do you need me for if you've already moved, you !@#$ dillweed? She gives that answer all the time.

'Yes, I'm a drone and don't do much, but she's a workaholic!'

'What are you doing trying to tempt me?? I told you I was through with you!!'

'Wow!... Look at the personality on her!'

'I'm tired of all the small talk.'

'Women, can't live with 'em, can't live without em.'

'Face it, Tharg, girls just don't want to be abducted any more.'

You've discovered how elderly dudes can keep picking up chicks? I've amended Giacomo's Theorem, yes. The pickup number is now direction proportional to age in instances where charm is also directly proportional to age. Journals from Milan to Vegas are publishing my findings. Of course, there's one flaw in my theory. Hold that thought, I feel some gas coming on. It won't apply to most dudes.