Dating Advice Skeptic Gifts

Life is for the birds.

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"O.K. I'm just feeding in your personal details for a suitable match..."

'And the life of man, solitary, poore, nasty, brutish, and short.' -- Thomas Hobbes, 'I dated a guy like that once.'

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. I thought we were just dating."

"I thought he was into fitness, but his 'fitness tracker' turned out to be a flea and tick collar."

"I hope you love me for my money, not for who I am."

"I feel I'm losing touch with the unrealistic view I have of him."

'My philosophy has always been, sell advice, don't follow it.'

'I fu*@!Ng hate you!!!'

"I'm sorry, Brad, but I'm saving eye-contact for that special someone."

'I don't believe in blind dates... the last time I got fixed up I got neutered.'

'Here's how you'll know for sure. Does he always get dreamy and say it, like 'I l-o-o-o-v-e you,' - or is it just a tossed-off, 'Love ya!?'

'You can do whatever you want, Herb, but I sure wouldn't take advice from a bowl of alphabet soup!'

'Why are they called the opposite sex?'

"To be honest, I'm a little surprised the dating service matched us up."

'Women, can't live with 'em, can't live without em.'

"Keep an eye on Old Bound Volume of Harpers. He's on the make."

'If you want to get anywhere with girls, you gotta PRETEND to like bunnies, ponies, and kittens.'

Warbling on the First Date

'Face it, Tharg, girls just don't want to be abducted any more.'

"Bill and I hate the same books."

Hypnotizing Women

"To quote my broker, 'Past results are no guarantee of future performance.'"

"You weren't playing hard to get! You were scared of commitment!"

"I did say I wanted to get married, but that was a false positive."

"Did you notice the smirk on his face when he said 'enjoy'?"

"Sorry Peter, but you're just not evolving quickly enough."

"You must believe me, Jane. I have excellent narrative skills."

Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places.

"Adultery is like quantum mechanics, hon. It only exists when you see it."