Relationship Advice Humorist Gifts

"These long distance relationships just never work out."

"I knew it - bloody falsies!"

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"I just love the way you're so endlessly inventive in the bedroom."

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"It's not the social stigma. It's the mercury."

"Let's talk film or let's not talk film - I'm easy."

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

"I said I'd give you the world, didn't I?"

'Well, thanks, but we have no need of a Divorce Lawyer: We're Lovebirds you see...'

'No, I'm the marriage counselor. What you need is the semantics counselor down the hall.'

"You really ought to cut down on your scream time."

"Maybe we should have just had a baby..."

'Stop staring and make a wish!'

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

'... And it's been ages since he last swashed his buckle!'

Excess Baggage: By the time the male of the species admits he is lost. It is generally too late.

"I'm Lester Holt, and this, is date night."

"You're hogging the covers again!"

"What I really wanted was a dog, but my landlord won't allow it. So I got married instead."

When at a loss for words Colin would often resort to communicating through the medium of contemporary dance.

Tunnel of Temporary Infatuation

"What's with the Tim Russert act?"

Always Compatible

"It's partly my fault he's been ignoring me lately. I'm the one who gave him the laser pointer."

"My wife says she wants you to make me fit for purpose."

'The way we met was interesting. I opened my wallet and there she was!'

'Don't blame me -- You're the one who had to have more personal space!'

'Whaddya mean, 'Quit hogging the blanket'? There's a blanket in here?

I think you'll find that I'm easily encouraged. For instance, the fact that the two exclamation points above your head are tempered by one question mark gives me great hope. !?!

"Well, this isn't really going anywhere if you don't like public displays of affection."

"Doctor - at home I get this nagging pain... what do you recommend?"

"I've learned something about you tonight, Alan. You say 'chowmein' when you mean 'lomein'."

"I love a woman with a sense of humour."