Relationship Advice Humorist Gifts

"These long distance relationships just never work out."

"I knew it - bloody falsies!"

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"I just love the way you're so endlessly inventive in the bedroom."

"It's not the social stigma. It's the mercury."

"Let's talk film or let's not talk film - I'm easy."

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

'No, I'm the marriage counselor. What you need is the semantics counselor down the hall.'

'Well, thanks, but we have no need of a Divorce Lawyer: We're Lovebirds you see...'

"Maybe we should have just had a baby..."

'Stop staring and make a wish!'

"You're hogging the covers again!"

'... And it's been ages since he last swashed his buckle!'

Excess Baggage: By the time the male of the species admits he is lost. It is generally too late.

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

"What I really wanted was a dog, but my landlord won't allow it. So I got married instead."

When at a loss for words Colin would often resort to communicating through the medium of contemporary dance.

"Doctor - at home I get this nagging pain... what do you recommend?"

"I honored her every request except for the last one: 'Harold, please stop making a scene'."

Always Compatible

"I love a woman with a sense of humour."

"It's partly my fault he's been ignoring me lately. I'm the one who gave him the laser pointer."

'Don't blame me -- You're the one who had to have more personal space!'

"I've learned something about you tonight, Alan. You say 'chowmein' when you mean 'lomein'."

'Is that 'forsaking all others' bit compulsory?'

"My wife says she wants you to make me fit for purpose."

"Well, this isn't really going anywhere if you don't like public displays of affection."

'Whaddya mean, 'Quit hogging the blanket'? There's a blanket in here?

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.'

Tunnel of Temporary Infatuation

'The way we met was interesting. I opened my wallet and there she was!'