Relationship Trouble Humorist Gifts

'I told you that temper of yours would get you into trouble.'

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"It's not the social stigma. It's the mercury."

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"I just love the way you're so endlessly inventive in the bedroom."

"Let's talk film or let's not talk film - I'm easy."

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

'Well, thanks, but we have no need of a Divorce Lawyer: We're Lovebirds you see...'

'No, I'm the marriage counselor. What you need is the semantics counselor down the hall.'

"Maybe we should have just had a baby..."

"She just takes things too seriously in our relationship."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

'Stop staring and make a wish!'

"You're hogging the covers again!"

"Yo, Ned Beatty, paddle harder if you ever want to kiss me again."

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

'... And it's been ages since he last swashed his buckle!'

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

When at a loss for words Colin would often resort to communicating through the medium of contemporary dance.

"I honored her every request except for the last one: 'Harold, please stop making a scene'."

'Is that 'forsaking all others' bit compulsory?'

Always Compatible

"Well, this isn't really going anywhere if you don't like public displays of affection."

'Whaddya mean, 'Quit hogging the blanket'? There's a blanket in here?

Tunnel of Temporary Infatuation

'The way we met was interesting. I opened my wallet and there she was!'

"I've learned something about you tonight, Alan. You say 'chowmein' when you mean 'lomein'."

'Don't blame me -- You're the one who had to have more personal space!'

"It's partly my fault he's been ignoring me lately. I'm the one who gave him the laser pointer."

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'