Headstone Humorist Gifts

Wanted to live forever, died trying.

In the houseplant cemetery.

'It's rather unorthodox, but it appears the deposit refund on the empties will cover your first interest payment.'

College. Did you pick a major yet? I'm doing a double major in art and logic --- I want to draw my own conclusions!

"Yes Dad, I passed math and now I'm passing chemistry and physics."

Emergency Hipster Beard

'I'm majoring in communication and minoring in pizza delivery - What about you?'

'On second thought, let's try it the other way around... My head on a lion's body.'

"Suddenly, you’re a fan of New England stone work?"

'When I was studying animal husbandry, I met the animal who became my husband.'

Normal Beard vs. Hipster Beard

F&E Stables. Horses Boarded. The owner of this horse is a huge fan of the late musician, "Prince." That explains the purple reins.

"There's got to be a better way to raise potatoes!"

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

'I, Dom Perignon, will now uncork the very first bottle of Champagne. Of course, I'm just guessing this is the right way to do it.'

College of Liberal (not in the political snese) arts.

Gangsta wrap.

"No, we don't have field to plate provenance for each bean."

"A man threatens to destroy town with army of turtles after dispute with city hall. Local authorities initiate a shell-ter in place in preparation for the noc-turtle invasion."

Southwick College: Basically, for the most part, usually - a meritocracy.

"I think you're beard needs a trim..."

Hipster Police Department

"Give me something that shows I'm hip AND fiscally responsible."

White Flight. Beautification. Gentrification. Plain Old Rich.

"You know what they say: if you're tired of London, you're tired of organic soy latte and pop-up vegan yoga festivals..."

Lady Liberty's Self-Care

'Wow, that sounds rigorous. What are the prerequisites for living in my mom's basement?'

'This is getting to be too much for me. I'm thinking of becoming a middlebrow.'

"Are you aware that in your submission you misspelled 'deer editer'?"

"... And that's an 18-pound piece of tofu I shot at Whole Foods."

'Some Honeymoon!'

Man Reading story 'U.F.O. Sighted' with alien peeking over his shoulder.

Tabloid clippings.

Little known fact: I spent a semester at Reed College in Portland. "Little known facts" are supposed to be momentous. Well, the little known fact is, while I was there, I asked a lady out

Soldier in medieval battle says: 'Oi, take it easy! This is an English Heritage site.'