Headstone Humorist Pillows

Wanted to live forever, died trying.

In the houseplant cemetery.

'It's rather unorthodox, but it appears the deposit refund on the empties will cover your first interest payment.'

"Yes Dad, I passed math and now I'm passing chemistry and physics."

'I'm majoring in communication and minoring in pizza delivery - What about you?'

Emergency Hipster Beard

'On second thought, let's try it the other way around... My head on a lion's body.'

"Suddenly, you’re a fan of New England stone work?"

'When I was studying animal husbandry, I met the animal who became my husband.'

"There's got to be a better way to raise potatoes!"

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

'I, Dom Perignon, will now uncork the very first bottle of Champagne. Of course, I'm just guessing this is the right way to do it.'

College of Liberal (not in the political snese) arts.

Gangsta wrap.

"I think you're beard needs a trim..."

"You know what they say: if you're tired of London, you're tired of organic soy latte and pop-up vegan yoga festivals..."

Hipster Police Department

"Give me something that shows I'm hip AND fiscally responsible."

"A man threatens to destroy town with army of turtles after dispute with city hall. Local authorities initiate a shell-ter in place in preparation for the noc-turtle invasion."

Lady Liberty's Self-Care

"No, we don't have field to plate provenance for each bean."

Southwick College: Basically, for the most part, usually - a meritocracy.

'Wow, that sounds rigorous. What are the prerequisites for living in my mom's basement?'

"Are you aware that in your submission you misspelled 'deer editer'?"

'This is getting to be too much for me. I'm thinking of becoming a middlebrow.'

Man Reading story 'U.F.O. Sighted' with alien peeking over his shoulder.

'Some Honeymoon!'

"... And that's an 18-pound piece of tofu I shot at Whole Foods."

Tabloid clippings.

'I'm sorry...we're not sure you're self obsessed enough.'

"Not moonshine - small batch, artisanal grain alcohol."